Tag Archives: sex

Two Attractive Crazies Find Each Other: A Love Story

6 Jan
All gossip aficionados know that there are certain stories, or celebrities (or “celebrities” in my case, see Exhibit A), who just happen to twerk our little gossip nerve.  There is just something about them that sets our heart aflutter when we see their name in our Twitter feed. You can barely stand the anticipation as you wait for the link to load to get some new nugget about your favorite saga. Oh, is that just me? Anyway, moving on…
 
In completely unrelated news, I have totally normal, non-obsessive feelings about the love affair between Emma Roberts and Evan Peters. It probably started with my equally sane attraction to his character on the first season of American Horror Story (who just happened to be a ghost of a killer. You win some, you lose some). I can’t even tell if he’s objectively good looking or not, but goddamn, I was feeling that dead psycho.
 
The intrigue really became full blown when I read about their alleged physical fight. No, this is totally not okay. It’s abusive and clearly one or both of them need to get themselves some help/definitely break up. BUT it doesn’t mean it’s not interesting in a kind of appalling way. It made me think of that couple who we’ve probably all met before. The female (sorry ladies, but it’s usually true) is totally insane but completely irresistible.  They have a totally dysfunctional relationship, but they truly believe that they are having a passionate love affair that eclipses all others. The fire that burns so hot it can only engulf us both, etc., etc. Think Elizabeth Taylor and Tim Burton. Elizabeth would’ve totally shed dramatic tears in front of the paparazzi and required coddling. Now picture them younger and having pretend but “OMG that is what it probably looks like in real life and I am interested” sex on your TV. (I just spent 10 minutes of my life that I can’t get back looking for a screenshot of their recent American Horror Story: Coven sex scene. But just trust me).
 
Now think on that for a while and tell me you’re not interested in the news that they just recently got engaged.  Ages 22 and 26, like to hit on each other, and then have hot make up sex. DEFINITELY going to end well. Congratulations!  

50 Shades of Armie?

24 Jun
CC Photo by insidethemagic on Flickr

CC Photo by insidethemagic on Flickr

Lots of talk lately about who will be cast in the Fifty Shades of Grey movie after it was announced that Sam Taylor-Johnson will direct. I wish the answer was “No one,” because the author of the worst books ever written should not be rewarded further. This is where I go crotchety Grandma and say: what message are we sending to unfortunate young readers who get their paws on Fifty Shades and Twilight?!?! Namely, that a man shows his love by being an obsessive stalker who watches you sleep and gets jealous if someone sits next to you on a plane (but it’s only okay if he’s a hot billionaire/vampire). I am marginally interested to see how Taylor-Johnson will treat it, particularly considering her own “unconventional” (and so obviously super sexy) relationship.

taylorjohnson

As of last week, I was certain that Armie Hammer was gunning for the role, based on several conveniently timed Christian-Grey-like admissions. Suddenly he’s not just a living, boring Ken doll but instead a sexy sexy sexual deviant, you guys! He and his wife went to a “porno” shop on their first date (lovely courtship!). Before he was married he “liked the grabbing of the neck and the hair and all that.” (Sidenote: I crunched the numbers and he was married when he was approx 23, so I don’t know why he’s trying to drop all this old man sexual wisdom on us). Some crazy b*tch tried to stab him with a butcher knife while they were getting down (and Armie is the real crazy b*tch because he “broke up with her… seven months later.”). Apparently he’s since said he wouldn’t take the role, but I’m still skeptical. Either he is full of lies or he knows he won’t get it and is back-pedaling.

On another note, someone at work told me that Christian Grey had dreadlocks in the book, so she assumed he was black. Is this real? How did I miss this hair narrative? Is there some other version of the book floating around? So many questions.

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