Tag Archives: Paris Hilton

Candidly Nicole

11 Jul

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Don’t you hate it when your boyfriend is driving you 6 hours back from July 4 vacation and you catch up on all of your regular gossip sites on your iPhone and are TOTALLY BORED?? It’s practically like living in a third world country. Since I couldn’t possibly think thoughts or converse with him, I had to expand my mind and look for other online entertainment. To this end, I stumbled upon Candidly Nicole, a “show” on AOL On (AOL is still a thing? A show based on a Twitter feed? I don’t understand this world anymore). To my delight, catching up on the several 5 minute videos carried me through an hour of North Carolina.

While I was watching, I ruminated on all things Nicole. If you watch the show (or follow her on Twitter), you’ll realize that she is smart, funny, cute, and completely likeable. And this is coming from me, who thinks most celebrities are practically brain dead. I would totally be her friend! My problem, though, is squaring that with this:

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And the fact that she was best friends with worthless Paris Hilton.

And married to a guy who seems kind of boring/embarrassing?

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My mind doesn’t like to be confused, so I’ll just have to chalk it up to poor youthful (in)decisions and stop thinking about it. I suppose we all made them. If the world could’ve seen my angsty AIM away messages, skater BoI-friends, and my head full of butterfly clips, I guess that would be kinda hard for me to move on from, too.

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Anatomy of a Celebrity Spiral, Part 1: Britney Spears

3 Jun

 

Crazy. eyes.

Crazy. eyes.

Celebrity downward spirals, while disturbing and, at times, rather entertaining to observe, appear to have certain consistent themes. Of course, we must begin with the most notorious (and sad, in my opinion) spiral of the millennium: Britney Spears. Sad because I think her spiral, while perhaps exacerbated by drug and alcohol use, was truly a sign of a mental illness. Shocking because of the sheer breakneck speed. Yet, as we’ll learn, while she was perhaps a trendsetter, she was in no way unique. Let’s identify some of the themes, shall we?

1. Keeping questionable company: Didn’t all of our parents warn us about what would happen if we lay down with dogs? In Britney’s case, she woke up panty-less and drunk with worthless Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan (more on LL in Part 2) in late 2006.

2. Aimless driving: Recall that in and around the summer of 2007, Britney took to driving aimlessly in her car for hours at a time. Escaping her handlers? Thriving on the attention of the paparazzi? Who knows, but I think a true sign of impending insanity is to choose to drive your car for hours in LA traffic when you’re rich enough to have a driver – or just send peons to fetch you Starbucks.

3. Awkward friend-making: I like my celebrities inaccessible. The biggest part of the appeal is the knowledge that they will always be better looking, have better bodies, and lead more exciting lives than the rest of us. While I’m drinking wine and watching Lifetime movies on my couch in sweatpants, I want to imagine that they are attending the most exclusive parties with other perfect people. At least when she was hittin’ the clubs with Paris she was spending time with a rich, attractive (?) person and NOT desperately approaching strangers and asking to borrow their bikini. Vom.

4. Terrible hair decisions; see also: Wigs: Ah, of course, the head-shaving incident and subsequent wig-wearing. No further comment necessary.

5. Trouble in, on, around cars: Again, why drive when you can pay someone to do it? More importantly, why drive when you can’t stop hitting bodies with your car? Or hitting cars with your body?

6. Court visits: While most of Britney’s visits to our Lady Justice were related to custody (of her own children, of herself), this is, of course, a prevalent theme in all spirals (even for us common folk).

Let’s compare and contrast with LL in Part 2.

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