Tag Archives: Kris Kardashian

Glorious Kimye!

22 Oct
Kimkardashian on Instagram

Kimkardashian on Instagram

So, everyone everywhere has heard that our glorious prophet Yeezus and his very own Mary Magdalene have made it official. Yeah, that’s right, we’re getting biblical and it’s actually amazing how right that is, now that I think about it. Kanye has already clarified that he is our messiah, so I think we can all quickly agree on that. But I did some research (i.e., read exactly one Wikipedia article) and there are some stunning comparisons between Kim and Jesus’s groupie, Mary. Jesus cast out seven demons from MM and Kanye has done the same for Kim! To name just a few:

1. De-prostituted!: some scholars think MM may have been the Julia Roberts to Jesus’s Richard Gere. But now, KK will never have to be golden showered on video again because we all know Kanye isn’t interested in that mess (by “that mess,” I mean ladies).

2. Barbie Makeover!: Kanye sashayed right into Kim’s closet and fashion mavened the shit out of it. If you don’t like it you just don’t get it, peasant!

3. Literal exorcism!: some reports say that Kanye hasn’t been feeling Kris and will soon cull Kim from the Kardashian herd. If true, I have no doubt that he will ultimately rid Kim of Zuul for good.

Good for you, Kim Magdalene! You win your second baseball-sized engagement ring and a psychotic despot!

Unrelated post-script: His desperate addition of “E”s in his marry meeeeeee sign will keep me in cringes for the rest of the evening.

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Lamar and Khloe: True Love Dies

29 Aug
How could this love die?

How could this love die?

Question: If we can’t count on Khloe and Lamar, a professional athlete and reality star who knew each other for one month before getting married, to make it – who can in this crazy world?! Answer: basically anyone else, so wipe that shocked/sad look off of your faces!

There have been rumors for quite a while now that there’s been trouble in Lam-Lam paradise, with allegations that Lamar has been stepping out on Khloe with a bevvy of ladies, including this “entrepreneur.” (Side note: please, please tell me what entrepreneurial venture this woman is spearheading. I mean really.). My general gossip philosophy is that, at a certain point at least, where there’s smoke there’s fire. Also – see PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE AND REALITY STAR DATING FOR ONE MONTH, above. I believed it from the very beginning, obviously. This past week or so, the stories intensified, including random drug allegations! (I have to admit that part was surprising, although my sports-obsessed guy told me to discount the “evidence” that he isn’t being re-signed by the Clippers. Apparently that was going to happen anyway. I love the few occasions our interests align! We may even have slightly more of a chance to make it than Khloe and Lammy!) Anyway, looks like it’ll be a done deal soon.

The more interesting question is why it seems so many people have ignored the obvious signs that they were NEVER going to make it and are shocked and/or upset by this news. Our age-old desire to believe in love at first sight? People rooting for the “fat” sister? The baby talk? The tattoos?

Could be turned into a nice butterfly?

Could be turned into a nice butterfly?

It can’t be the tattoos, or we all would’ve been rooting for Britney and Kevin and lord knows that’s not the case. Beats the hell out of me, but mop up those tears and soldier on, people!

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