Tag Archives: court

Anatomy of Celebrity Spiral, Part 3: Amanda Bynes

10 Jun
Staring. into. my. soul.

Staring. into. my. soul.

In Parts 1 and 2, we identified some of the themes in Britney’s and Lindsay’s spirals.  Amanda Bynes, our most timely spiral (i.e., the morbid part of me wanted to get this post out before something terrible happens to her/I would feel too guilty), is an interesting mix of Britney-sad and Lindsay-worthless.

 

1. Aimless driving: Apparently, when you show up on the first day of Celebrity Breakdown class, they give you some keys to an expensive car and tell you to go nuts (no license necessary!). Just like Britney, the first signs of impending doom in Amanda’s case were her aimless drives around LA + drugs + tacos. I can get behind the taco part, but it’s always trouble when a celebrity has too much time on her hands with nowhere to be.

2. Awkward friend-making, Twitter edition: Where Britney at least kept her awkward friend-making to ritzy hotels, Amanda makes friends with all of the riff raff on Twitter. Apparently all you need to do is tweet compliments or strange photoshopped “art” using Bynes-approved images and you’re golden.

Practically Picasso.

Practically Picasso.

3. Trouble in, on, around cars: I’m getting bored writing abouut all of these spiral hit and runs. She hit some people with her car a few times, ran, and didn’t really receive any punishment. Moving on.

4. Court visits: Most recently, she almost murdered someone with her bong. Sidenote: I want to know what goes down in this “psychiatric evaluation.” Is it like a chimpanzee with a clipboard? (Amanda: “You’re ugly! Here’s a banana!” Chimpanzee: “I like bananas! You pass.”).

5. Terrible hair decisions; see also: Wigs: I can’t even hate on this lady’s entertaining array of Halloween store wigs. Remember when your mom let you wear a wig on Halloween and in your 10-year-old mind you were like, “I’m sooo beautiful,” and in reality they itched like hell, you could see the netting, and you left a trail of polyester strands at every house you hit up? Yeah, like that.

I just want to run my fingers through those silken tresses.

I just want to run my fingers through those silken tresses.

In the interest of gender neutrality (why all these b*tches be crazy?), we cover Justin Bieber in Part 4.

Anatomy of a Celebrity Spiral, Part 2: Lindsay Lohan

3 Jun

She is only 26. 26!

In Part 1, we identified the most prevalent themes in our most notorious and sad spiral: Britney Spears. Today, I’d like to address what is, to me, a much less sad spiral and therefore infinitely more entertaining. We can cackle to our hearts’ content and only slightly raise our already considerable odds of going to hell. Let’s compare and contrast the worthless Lindsay with Britney.

1. Keeping questionable company: Just like dear Britney, our LL has made some piss poor choices in friends. Anyone who purposefully blows up your ugly-passed-out-face-spot is not worthy of a relationship, Linds! A real friend would be yanking that hoodie down. Maybe even drawing cartoon wide-open eyes on the fabric to try to throw the ‘razzi off the scent.

lindsaylohanteddyspassedout01

Also, Lindsay’s latest friends in “high” places make me skeptical. I mean, people don’t just let you use their private jet for nothing in return, right? If it can happen to lovely Tori, it can happen to you, Linds.

2. Trouble in, on, around cars: This is really where Linds shined, and part of the reason I have little sympathy for her. Her car troubles really highlight what an entitled, racist, spoiled brat she is. Including, but not limited to, TAKING PEOPLE HOSTAGE and blaming it on the “black kid,” hitting a STROLLER. WITH. A. BABY. IN. IT (is this real life?!), and committing an eensy weensy felony by (allegedly) driving drunk and lying to the police about it. I could go on, but I have things to do (watch videos of cute baby animals) and frankly, her flagrant disregard for the natural consequences of her irresponsible actions infuriates me.

3. Court visits: Again, I’m not trying to write a novel here, but if I had a dollar for every time she’s had a case, been late to court, failed to fulfill her probation, sued/been sued (or should’ve been sued – Million Dollar Decorators, I’m looking at you), I’d have enough dollars to upgrade from Franzia. This is another important point to stress for any of you who may be feeling any pity for our wayward star. Bad enough to catch a case, but with all of the resources at her disposal, she can’t just like NOTE the hearing in her Google calendar or whatever and just SHOW UP?! Inexcusable. I could go on, but I need those puppies to lower my blood pressure.

We turn our analyst’s eye to Amanda Bynes in Part 3.

Anatomy of a Celebrity Spiral, Part 1: Britney Spears

3 Jun

 

Crazy. eyes.

Crazy. eyes.

Celebrity downward spirals, while disturbing and, at times, rather entertaining to observe, appear to have certain consistent themes. Of course, we must begin with the most notorious (and sad, in my opinion) spiral of the millennium: Britney Spears. Sad because I think her spiral, while perhaps exacerbated by drug and alcohol use, was truly a sign of a mental illness. Shocking because of the sheer breakneck speed. Yet, as we’ll learn, while she was perhaps a trendsetter, she was in no way unique. Let’s identify some of the themes, shall we?

1. Keeping questionable company: Didn’t all of our parents warn us about what would happen if we lay down with dogs? In Britney’s case, she woke up panty-less and drunk with worthless Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan (more on LL in Part 2) in late 2006.

2. Aimless driving: Recall that in and around the summer of 2007, Britney took to driving aimlessly in her car for hours at a time. Escaping her handlers? Thriving on the attention of the paparazzi? Who knows, but I think a true sign of impending insanity is to choose to drive your car for hours in LA traffic when you’re rich enough to have a driver – or just send peons to fetch you Starbucks.

3. Awkward friend-making: I like my celebrities inaccessible. The biggest part of the appeal is the knowledge that they will always be better looking, have better bodies, and lead more exciting lives than the rest of us. While I’m drinking wine and watching Lifetime movies on my couch in sweatpants, I want to imagine that they are attending the most exclusive parties with other perfect people. At least when she was hittin’ the clubs with Paris she was spending time with a rich, attractive (?) person and NOT desperately approaching strangers and asking to borrow their bikini. Vom.

4. Terrible hair decisions; see also: Wigs: Ah, of course, the head-shaving incident and subsequent wig-wearing. No further comment necessary.

5. Trouble in, on, around cars: Again, why drive when you can pay someone to do it? More importantly, why drive when you can’t stop hitting bodies with your car? Or hitting cars with your body?

6. Court visits: While most of Britney’s visits to our Lady Justice were related to custody (of her own children, of herself), this is, of course, a prevalent theme in all spirals (even for us common folk).

Let’s compare and contrast with LL in Part 2.

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