Anatomy of a Celebrity Spiral, Part 4: Baby Bieber Throws Tantrums

15 Jul
CC photo by: iloveJB123 on Flickr

CC photo by: iloveJB123 on Flickr

Covering our first male spiral feels particularly timely today, in the wake of the news over the weekend that Cory Monteith died of a suspected drug overdose at age 31. Writing about deaths is unfunny and sad, even if Cory was probably, relevantly, in the midst of a maybe-not-so-secret spiral, so I’d rather write about Baby Bieber as Part 4 of our Anatomy of a Celebrity Spiral series. Like the illustrious goddesses before him (Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Amanda Bynes), lil’ Biebs has some tell-tale signs of a Grade-A celebrity spiral:

1. Trouble in, on, or around cars: Justin has already racked up a number of vehicular indiscretions, including an alleged hit and run and reckless driving. How much would you have paid to watch Keyshawn Johnson put Biebs in time out?! This is why they shouldn’t let 11 year olds drive (wait, they don’t? Somebody get that tween out from behind the wheel!!!).

2. Terrible hair decisions; see also: Wigs; see also: Headwear: Apparently the girls make terrible hair and wig decisions, but Biebs has put his macho (ha) twist on this spiral theme with terrible headwear decisions. Just stop. Breathing the poor-people air won’t hurt you, widdle guy.

JustinBieberMask JustinBieberMask2

3. Inability to keep one’s bodily fluids to oneself: This might be what separates the girls from the baby-boys. I’m going to pretend I know things about science (other then wine fermentation) and say that the male version of our species manifests its unmanageable feelings (read, tantrums) via bodily emissions. Let’s not forget his possible one-night stand consequences, spitting on his neighbor, and indirectly–but very intentionally–giving a golden shower to an entire restaurant floor. What’s that sticky feeling under your shoes, restaurant patron? Don’t complain, you should be grateful for the essence of Baby Bieber Jesus.

File Justin with his fellow worthless celeb-spiral LL and await the court visits. Someone needs a serious spanking.

Candidly Nicole

11 Jul

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Don’t you hate it when your boyfriend is driving you 6 hours back from July 4 vacation and you catch up on all of your regular gossip sites on your iPhone and are TOTALLY BORED?? It’s practically like living in a third world country. Since I couldn’t possibly think thoughts or converse with him, I had to expand my mind and look for other online entertainment. To this end, I stumbled upon Candidly Nicole, a “show” on AOL On (AOL is still a thing? A show based on a Twitter feed? I don’t understand this world anymore). To my delight, catching up on the several 5 minute videos carried me through an hour of North Carolina.

While I was watching, I ruminated on all things Nicole. If you watch the show (or follow her on Twitter), you’ll realize that she is smart, funny, cute, and completely likeable. And this is coming from me, who thinks most celebrities are practically brain dead. I would totally be her friend! My problem, though, is squaring that with this:

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And the fact that she was best friends with worthless Paris Hilton.

And married to a guy who seems kind of boring/embarrassing?

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My mind doesn’t like to be confused, so I’ll just have to chalk it up to poor youthful (in)decisions and stop thinking about it. I suppose we all made them. If the world could’ve seen my angsty AIM away messages, skater BoI-friends, and my head full of butterfly clips, I guess that would be kinda hard for me to move on from, too.

Jennifer Aniston: Poor Little Rich Girl?

27 Jun

Jennifer Aniston People

For some reason, the story that the media has wanted to tell about Jennifer Aniston ever since Brad left her for that VIXEN MAN-STEALER Angelina is that she is unlucky in love (but dreaming of marrying again!), still not over Brad, desperate for a baby, etc., etc. Ladies all around the world let out a collective sigh of relief when Jen finally found love with Justin Theroux, who was willing to put a (hideous, giant) ring on it and impregnate her (fingers crossed!!!!). Because really, the Housewives of America can’t imagine that anyone wouldn’t want the lives they lead.

To which I say: excuse me ladies, but a lot of rich, hot, hard-bodied stars probably have no interest in monogamy and Bumbos. Has anyone ever really stopped to think whether Jen might just be happy dating a slew of hotties since Brad? While he has been busy humanitiarianizing (not a word, but should be), she has been drinking skinny margs in Cabo with an array of dudes I probably wouldn’t kick out of bed (except Gerard Butler. And probably John Mayer. But to each her own).

This past week, the tabloids are starting to shout about how her “wedding is on hold!” She is “pregnant and alone!” While I have to admit that where there’s smoke there’s usually fire on these types of stories (probably not the pregnant part), why do we collectively have to victimize her? I’m not underestimating Jen. They’ll break up I’m sure, but because she found another hotter, richer dude to sunbathe with. It’s been real, Justin!

50 Shades of Armie?

24 Jun
CC Photo by insidethemagic on Flickr

CC Photo by insidethemagic on Flickr

Lots of talk lately about who will be cast in the Fifty Shades of Grey movie after it was announced that Sam Taylor-Johnson will direct. I wish the answer was “No one,” because the author of the worst books ever written should not be rewarded further. This is where I go crotchety Grandma and say: what message are we sending to unfortunate young readers who get their paws on Fifty Shades and Twilight?!?! Namely, that a man shows his love by being an obsessive stalker who watches you sleep and gets jealous if someone sits next to you on a plane (but it’s only okay if he’s a hot billionaire/vampire). I am marginally interested to see how Taylor-Johnson will treat it, particularly considering her own “unconventional” (and so obviously super sexy) relationship.

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As of last week, I was certain that Armie Hammer was gunning for the role, based on several conveniently timed Christian-Grey-like admissions. Suddenly he’s not just a living, boring Ken doll but instead a sexy sexy sexual deviant, you guys! He and his wife went to a “porno” shop on their first date (lovely courtship!). Before he was married he “liked the grabbing of the neck and the hair and all that.” (Sidenote: I crunched the numbers and he was married when he was approx 23, so I don’t know why he’s trying to drop all this old man sexual wisdom on us). Some crazy b*tch tried to stab him with a butcher knife while they were getting down (and Armie is the real crazy b*tch because he “broke up with her… seven months later.”). Apparently he’s since said he wouldn’t take the role, but I’m still skeptical. Either he is full of lies or he knows he won’t get it and is back-pedaling.

On another note, someone at work told me that Christian Grey had dreadlocks in the book, so she assumed he was black. Is this real? How did I miss this hair narrative? Is there some other version of the book floating around? So many questions.

Scott Disick as Christian Bale as Patrick Bateman: Blasphemy!

19 Jun

ScottDisick

Guys. Have you watched Kanye’s American Psycho “short film,” (so now he’s a rapper, a poet, a god, and a film producer, if you’re keeping score) starring Scott Disick? If not, please go here and come back with your thoughts ready. You made need to take a slug of your Franzia to get through it.

Painful, right? My face is hurting from cringing so hard. And my brain is hurting from how confused I now feel about Keeping Up With the Kardashians. I have taken it for granted that the show is “acted” and “scripted,” a la the Hills. (Sidenote: Remember how sad you were when you realized the Hills were a lie? I’m still reeling). Recall the paparrazzi shots of Kim and Kris filming reshoots? Holding suspiciously script-like papers?

But seeing Scott’s performance in this, I’m having a hard time reconciling my belief about the veracity (or lack thereof) of the show with this video. Maybe he’s just only talented as acting as himself? I’m not even sure I could convincingly act as myself. Does that mean the Kardashians, et. al, are… gulp… talented? I need to go lay down.

For the Girls Who Have Everything…

17 Jun
CC photo by myalexis on Flickr

CC photo by myalexis on Flickr

Celebrity gift registries – yay or nay? I am against gift registries in general, which means I’m also always the resident curmudgeon at all things bridal. The idea of requesting (demanding?) specific items from one’s guests (and, of course, knowing exactly how much they spent on you if one were inclined to do the math) just totally gives me the icks. Not to mention, the registry is proof of the receiver’s total expectation that the givers will, actually, be giving. For anyone interested in the subject, Rebecca Mead’s excellent book, One Perfect Day: The Selling of the American Wedding, is a great read (American couples registered for $9 BILLION worth of gifts on registries in 2006. $9 BILLION!).

With that said, I’m not sure that I feel any sort of specific ickiness to celebrity registries, though I think there are many who do. On one hand, why should we apply higher standards to celebrities – really, based on experience we should be applying lower standards pretty much across the board. On the other hand, why are the girls who have everything, and the money to buy whatever they don’t, asking for additional things (instead of, perhaps, donations to their favorite charities)? Before writing this post, I presumed that I would have a timely topic: Kim Kardashian, patron saint of brand new Baby Yeezus, was sure to have an outrageous baby registry, right?! See excerpts from her crazy wedding registry here. Alas, it appears from reports that K&K may have actually refused gifts. I guess we have to wait until their wedding. Please, please gossip saints, deliver unto us a gift registry replete with solid gold, diamond-encrusted, Yeezus on a K-shaped cross teething rings!

Instead, we have to appease ourselves with Kristin Cavallari and Jay Cutler’s wedding registries for our first celebrity registry look.

CC photo by Nick Step on Flickr

CC photo by Nick Step on Flickr

According to the Huffington Post, the recently married couple registered at Crate & Barrel and Williams-Sonoma – just like us common folk! Although their total was about 3 times as much as the average wedding registry ($14,500 compared to $5,000), they registered for the same useless crap that the proletarians do.

Sometimes you just NEED a 1.5 inch pastry brush!

Sometimes you just NEED a 1.5 inch pastry brush!

Have you ever found yourself brushing your pastries, and curse the gods, thinking – IF ONLY I had a 1.5 inch brush?! My 1 inch brush is too, too small, and my 2 inch brush is just too, too big?? Well, no, neither have I. But presumably Goldilocks Cavallari has.

Matches are for cavepeople!

Matches are for cavepeople!

An $80 “firestarter” (um, I feel fancy if I use one of those trigger things instead of a match)? Of course, dahlinks!

“Brad Pitt’s Life is Larger Than Yours”

11 Jun

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That’s the title of the photo-set for Brad Pitt’s latest interview with Esquire, titled “A Life So Large.” First of all – rude, Esquire! I’m offended by your implication that reality-TV-watching, wine-drinking, and looking at pictures of animals on the Internet does not a large life make. Personal offense aside, these titles are perfectly in sync with the messaging that Brad Pitt has been successfully putting out to the public the past few years.

Talking Point #1: Brad’s life/love with Angelina is like TOTALLY DEEP, you guys! I’m pretty indifferent about the Angelina v. Jennifer debate, but Brad and Angelina (I’ll give a full rundown of Angelina’s obvious personality makeover in another post) are a bit irritating to me as a couple. They’re like the Brooklyn hipsters who eyeroll you while they explain that they don’t own a TV and talk about their CSA. Enough! I get it! You feel a lot of feelings.

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Talking Point #2: HE LOVES ART. Specifically, uninterrupted lines. He has an “aesthetic.” Isn’t this just like saying “I have a personality”? Everyone’s got one, it doesn’t mean yours is good.

Talking Point #3: He is a citizen of the world! Not that people can’t change (maybe he went and picked up a PHD in international conflict management between movies?), but if we hop into the gossip time machine, we’ll remember that he once said:

“You shouldn’t speak until you know what you’re talking about. That’s why I get uncomfortable with interviews. Reporters ask me what I feel China should do about Tibet. Who cares what I think China should do? I’m a f*cking actor! They hand me a script. I act. I’m here for entertainment.”

A clear way he achieves this overall messaging is by contrasting his new, smart, artsy, FEELINGSY life with his old, dead, “pathetic” life. The fact that the old life was with Jennifer Aniston and is the subject of the most famous celebrity love triangle of the modern era is totally just a coincidence! If the quotes are picked up by more news sources because of this very implication, well that’s not his fault or intention! Don’t play that game with me, Brad! Or, at least, let’s not pretend that this isn’t strategic.

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p.s. I’m at a loss about how his self-diagnosis as a sufferer of prosopagnosia in the article plays into this, except for providing another opportunity to talk about his LOVE FOR ART: “I can’t grasp a face and yet I come from such a design/aesthetic point of view.” Perhaps the fact that he has a rare syndrome just confirms what a unique snowflake he is? Brad, I match your eyeroll and raise you a B*TCH PLEASE.

Anatomy of Celebrity Spiral, Part 3: Amanda Bynes

10 Jun
Staring. into. my. soul.

Staring. into. my. soul.

In Parts 1 and 2, we identified some of the themes in Britney’s and Lindsay’s spirals.  Amanda Bynes, our most timely spiral (i.e., the morbid part of me wanted to get this post out before something terrible happens to her/I would feel too guilty), is an interesting mix of Britney-sad and Lindsay-worthless.

 

1. Aimless driving: Apparently, when you show up on the first day of Celebrity Breakdown class, they give you some keys to an expensive car and tell you to go nuts (no license necessary!). Just like Britney, the first signs of impending doom in Amanda’s case were her aimless drives around LA + drugs + tacos. I can get behind the taco part, but it’s always trouble when a celebrity has too much time on her hands with nowhere to be.

2. Awkward friend-making, Twitter edition: Where Britney at least kept her awkward friend-making to ritzy hotels, Amanda makes friends with all of the riff raff on Twitter. Apparently all you need to do is tweet compliments or strange photoshopped “art” using Bynes-approved images and you’re golden.

Practically Picasso.

Practically Picasso.

3. Trouble in, on, around cars: I’m getting bored writing abouut all of these spiral hit and runs. She hit some people with her car a few times, ran, and didn’t really receive any punishment. Moving on.

4. Court visits: Most recently, she almost murdered someone with her bong. Sidenote: I want to know what goes down in this “psychiatric evaluation.” Is it like a chimpanzee with a clipboard? (Amanda: “You’re ugly! Here’s a banana!” Chimpanzee: “I like bananas! You pass.”).

5. Terrible hair decisions; see also: Wigs: I can’t even hate on this lady’s entertaining array of Halloween store wigs. Remember when your mom let you wear a wig on Halloween and in your 10-year-old mind you were like, “I’m sooo beautiful,” and in reality they itched like hell, you could see the netting, and you left a trail of polyester strands at every house you hit up? Yeah, like that.

I just want to run my fingers through those silken tresses.

I just want to run my fingers through those silken tresses.

In the interest of gender neutrality (why all these b*tches be crazy?), we cover Justin Bieber in Part 4.

My Favorite Love Triangle Coming to TV? Please, please, please!

6 Jun

leann

Last week, it was reported that LeAnn Rimes & Eddie Cibrian were thinking about doing a reality tv show. I presume the news was met with a resounding “meh” worldwide. However, THIS gossip geek was totally amped because the LeAnn-Eddie-Brandi is my FAVORITE love triangle of all time and definitely one of my top 10 gossip stories to follow. You’re thinking poor gossip taste on my part, right? Maybe you just aren’t looking at it the right way: this story represents everything I loved about high school gossip – and the people are prettier! And rich (kinda?)! With access to (and prone to overuse of) social media! What could be better?

First, the origins: the fact that LeAnn and Eddie got caught on CAMERA hitting the hourly hotel (or restaurant, same thing) is a gossip diamond in the rough. Basically every other somewhat intelligent celebrity keeps their dirty dealings on lockdown and we’ll never know. A voyeur’s dream.

Second, LeAnn STILL HASN’T LEARNED to keep her shit together, and we usually don’t have the benefit of seeing a celebrity’s low self esteem in such stark relief. She reminds me of the girl who was kinda busted through sophomore year, and suddenly developed over the summer and got her braces off or whatever and pulled the hottest senior guy. Now all the popular girls hate her but she CAN’T STOP TRYING/CARING/UGLY DUCKLING’ING. LeAnn – you’d be so much cooler without all of the TRY. You’re super hot now and you won the “prize,” so just chill. Please.

Awkward phase.

Awkward phase.

On a related note, she doesn’t realize that the hottest guy in school is actually kind of a dumb loser with no prospects who is definitely, definitely going to cheat on her with the next summer-camp makeover recipient. Highschool girl fight over garbage! Love it.

He's probably staring at a nineteen year old in a bikini.

He’s probably staring at a nineteen year old in a bikini.

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Anatomy of a Celebrity Spiral, Part 2: Lindsay Lohan

3 Jun

She is only 26. 26!

In Part 1, we identified the most prevalent themes in our most notorious and sad spiral: Britney Spears. Today, I’d like to address what is, to me, a much less sad spiral and therefore infinitely more entertaining. We can cackle to our hearts’ content and only slightly raise our already considerable odds of going to hell. Let’s compare and contrast the worthless Lindsay with Britney.

1. Keeping questionable company: Just like dear Britney, our LL has made some piss poor choices in friends. Anyone who purposefully blows up your ugly-passed-out-face-spot is not worthy of a relationship, Linds! A real friend would be yanking that hoodie down. Maybe even drawing cartoon wide-open eyes on the fabric to try to throw the ‘razzi off the scent.

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Also, Lindsay’s latest friends in “high” places make me skeptical. I mean, people don’t just let you use their private jet for nothing in return, right? If it can happen to lovely Tori, it can happen to you, Linds.

2. Trouble in, on, around cars: This is really where Linds shined, and part of the reason I have little sympathy for her. Her car troubles really highlight what an entitled, racist, spoiled brat she is. Including, but not limited to, TAKING PEOPLE HOSTAGE and blaming it on the “black kid,” hitting a STROLLER. WITH. A. BABY. IN. IT (is this real life?!), and committing an eensy weensy felony by (allegedly) driving drunk and lying to the police about it. I could go on, but I have things to do (watch videos of cute baby animals) and frankly, her flagrant disregard for the natural consequences of her irresponsible actions infuriates me.

3. Court visits: Again, I’m not trying to write a novel here, but if I had a dollar for every time she’s had a case, been late to court, failed to fulfill her probation, sued/been sued (or should’ve been sued – Million Dollar Decorators, I’m looking at you), I’d have enough dollars to upgrade from Franzia. This is another important point to stress for any of you who may be feeling any pity for our wayward star. Bad enough to catch a case, but with all of the resources at her disposal, she can’t just like NOTE the hearing in her Google calendar or whatever and just SHOW UP?! Inexcusable. I could go on, but I need those puppies to lower my blood pressure.

We turn our analyst’s eye to Amanda Bynes in Part 3.

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