Miley Cyrus. And Miley Cyrus’s Tonsils.

26 Aug

I’ve been wanting to post about Miley for a while, and I couldn’t ignore it any longer after her performance at last night’s VMAs. Woof, Miley. If the Smith family is appalled, it’s time to reevalute your choices.

Willow will whip her hair at you, gurl.

Willow will whip her hair at you, gurl.

Last night everyone on social media was yelling about how ridiculous and out of control she is. While her latest steeze gives me quite a few cringes, I’ve had a soft spot for her ever since I watched an interesting documentary about her life (by “interesting documentary,” I mean “E! True Hollywood Story”). My takeaway was that she is a fun-loving, spontaneous kind of lady who doesn’t mind making a fool of herself. I can get behind that, so I’ve been willing to forgive a lot of her twerking craziness lately, even if her arthouse-wannabe video for We Can’t Stop made me want to kill myself. And, as I’ve discussed here before, let us not forget how embarrassed we’d be if some of our youth’s phases were immortalized for the world to see and dissected by everyone (see, every style choice I made in the 90s. Thanks for nothing Blossom and Clarissa Explains It All).

Of course, our society of He-Man Woman Haters also can’t resist talking about her latest changes in the context of her relationship with Liam Hemsworth. She’s acting out because he doesn’t love her anymore! He doesn’t love her anymore because she’s acting out! They’re growing apart because she’s not the girl he fell in love with! He is aghast that his wholesome love has been replaced with a short-haired HIDEOUS BEAST-FREAK interested in urban culture. People. Let’s not be stupid. They got engaged when she was 19. If you were placing bets on this lasting, well, I don’t know what to tell you. Time to get out of the gossip biz.

So Miley, I won’t file you in my impending-spiral category yet, even with the drastic hair changes. But please, please for the love of God put your tongue back in your mouth. Liam thinks that’s even less attractive than your lesbian haircut.

Is this a deformity of some sort?

Is this a deformity of some sort?

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The Canyons, Starring Lindsay Lohan’s Greasy Weave

5 Aug

LindsayLohanCanyons

This weekend, I was in a weakened state (i.e., two glasses of wine) and enjoying a night at home. I perused On Demand for a movie to watch. I’m sure there were many culturally enriching documentaries and artsy independent films, but my eye was caught by another kind of film: The Canyons, starring Lindsay Lohan and James Deen of Backdoor Teen Mom fame. I was hoping it would be so bad it’s good, in the vein of my all-time favorite movie, Showgirls. While nothing could measure up to Elizabeth Berkeley’s femme fatale, if any movie is 10% as entertaining as Showgirls, I’m in. So I paid the $7.99 (!!), filled up my sauv blanc, and dove in.

Genius.

Genius.

This movie, you guys. What a mess. James Deen just scowled like a curmudgeon the entire time. I think it was supposed to be sexy? Other things that were supposed to be sexy but weren’t: Lindsay’s topless scene; Lindsay herself; JD’s (admittedly impressive) full frontal; JD himself; several awkward (and by all accounts unenjoyable for everyone involved) group sex scenes. Other highlights include an invention–Text TV–(this is not a thing, right?!), which appears to exist solely to allow the viewers to read the texts Lindsay’s character was receiving in one scene. Really, who would want their Real Housewives of Wherever interrupted to read the text that is on the phone that you’re currently holding in your hand? Another unrealistic tech aspect is the fact that JD swapped phones with Lindsay’s character and she didn’t realize it for like 18 hours. Bret Easton Ellis clearly isn’t young anymore.

However, there was one character that I couldn’t tear my eyes away from. What stage presence. What charisma. My friends, I dare you to watch this movie and resist becoming entranced by Lindsay’s hair. Greasy on top, polyester on the bottom. Party all over. I couldn’t stop shouting about the hair and makeup heads that needed to roll, until I read that due to budget constraints each actor did their own hair and makeup. Ah, now that makes sense.

The Blank Stare

1 Aug
I'm Gonna Sit at the Welcome Table

I’m Gonna Sit at the Welcome Table

Guys … can we talk about Scientology for a quick sec? Also, a million points for anyone who has seen the Strangers with Candy Episodes, “The Blank Stare,” in which Jerri joins a cult. Of COURSE I’m not alleging that Scientology is a cult, just felt like talking about that.

I’ve been wanting to shout about Scientology for a while, and it seems timely on the heels of Leah Remini’s announcement that she was leaving the cul…er, religion. Religion based on a nerd’s sci-fi novel. A religion that allows a bunch of other nerds to work on developing SUPER POWERS. I mean, I just can’t. I’ve long wondered what the appeal must be, and how a bunch of otherwise sophisticated (sophisticated in the sense that they have access to information and the best of everything, rather than sophisticated in behavior) and wealthy famous people could all be convinced to sign up with these nut jobs. I mean, these aren’t uneducated, backwater country folk forming a militia in the woods.

Thinking long and hard about it, I can only assume that Scientology must offer something that appeals to a character trait that these celebrities have in common. So, the question arises – what character trait do most celebrities have in common? A heavy dose of narcissism, big egos, and underlying insecurity, of course. So basically I’m just picturing that behind the Scientology scenes, David Miscavige is telling Tom Cruise, et al., about how with a few years of auditing and millions of dollars, their inherent abilities to read minds, levitate, and whatever other stupid superpower they want (because being rich and famous just isn’t sufficient) can be realized. Because they’re SPECIAL and DIFFERENT from the rest of us normal folks who would just get totally creeped out by this loser:

CC photo by: Scientology Media on Flickr

CC photo by: Scientology Media on Flickr

So basically, Scientologists are a bunch of insecure nerds who like to get together to talk about whether they’ll go to a locker room or a bank first once their minions finish up their invisibility cloaks. Which would be funny, except in the meantime, MISCAVIGE’S WIFE IS (allegedly) MISSING AND NO ONE IS DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT. Am I taking crazy pills?! Leah, I’m glad you’re getting out and not “shutting up”, but maybe you should, um, call the police or something? Just a thought.

Update: Well, what do you know? She filed a missing persons report. Attagirl.

Anatomy of a Celebrity Spiral, Part 4: Baby Bieber Throws Tantrums

15 Jul
CC photo by: iloveJB123 on Flickr

CC photo by: iloveJB123 on Flickr

Covering our first male spiral feels particularly timely today, in the wake of the news over the weekend that Cory Monteith died of a suspected drug overdose at age 31. Writing about deaths is unfunny and sad, even if Cory was probably, relevantly, in the midst of a maybe-not-so-secret spiral, so I’d rather write about Baby Bieber as Part 4 of our Anatomy of a Celebrity Spiral series. Like the illustrious goddesses before him (Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Amanda Bynes), lil’ Biebs has some tell-tale signs of a Grade-A celebrity spiral:

1. Trouble in, on, or around cars: Justin has already racked up a number of vehicular indiscretions, including an alleged hit and run and reckless driving. How much would you have paid to watch Keyshawn Johnson put Biebs in time out?! This is why they shouldn’t let 11 year olds drive (wait, they don’t? Somebody get that tween out from behind the wheel!!!).

2. Terrible hair decisions; see also: Wigs; see also: Headwear: Apparently the girls make terrible hair and wig decisions, but Biebs has put his macho (ha) twist on this spiral theme with terrible headwear decisions. Just stop. Breathing the poor-people air won’t hurt you, widdle guy.

JustinBieberMask JustinBieberMask2

3. Inability to keep one’s bodily fluids to oneself: This might be what separates the girls from the baby-boys. I’m going to pretend I know things about science (other then wine fermentation) and say that the male version of our species manifests its unmanageable feelings (read, tantrums) via bodily emissions. Let’s not forget his possible one-night stand consequences, spitting on his neighbor, and indirectly–but very intentionally–giving a golden shower to an entire restaurant floor. What’s that sticky feeling under your shoes, restaurant patron? Don’t complain, you should be grateful for the essence of Baby Bieber Jesus.

File Justin with his fellow worthless celeb-spiral LL and await the court visits. Someone needs a serious spanking.

Candidly Nicole

11 Jul

image

Don’t you hate it when your boyfriend is driving you 6 hours back from July 4 vacation and you catch up on all of your regular gossip sites on your iPhone and are TOTALLY BORED?? It’s practically like living in a third world country. Since I couldn’t possibly think thoughts or converse with him, I had to expand my mind and look for other online entertainment. To this end, I stumbled upon Candidly Nicole, a “show” on AOL On (AOL is still a thing? A show based on a Twitter feed? I don’t understand this world anymore). To my delight, catching up on the several 5 minute videos carried me through an hour of North Carolina.

While I was watching, I ruminated on all things Nicole. If you watch the show (or follow her on Twitter), you’ll realize that she is smart, funny, cute, and completely likeable. And this is coming from me, who thinks most celebrities are practically brain dead. I would totally be her friend! My problem, though, is squaring that with this:

image

And the fact that she was best friends with worthless Paris Hilton.

And married to a guy who seems kind of boring/embarrassing?

image

My mind doesn’t like to be confused, so I’ll just have to chalk it up to poor youthful (in)decisions and stop thinking about it. I suppose we all made them. If the world could’ve seen my angsty AIM away messages, skater BoI-friends, and my head full of butterfly clips, I guess that would be kinda hard for me to move on from, too.

Jennifer Aniston: Poor Little Rich Girl?

27 Jun

Jennifer Aniston People

For some reason, the story that the media has wanted to tell about Jennifer Aniston ever since Brad left her for that VIXEN MAN-STEALER Angelina is that she is unlucky in love (but dreaming of marrying again!), still not over Brad, desperate for a baby, etc., etc. Ladies all around the world let out a collective sigh of relief when Jen finally found love with Justin Theroux, who was willing to put a (hideous, giant) ring on it and impregnate her (fingers crossed!!!!). Because really, the Housewives of America can’t imagine that anyone wouldn’t want the lives they lead.

To which I say: excuse me ladies, but a lot of rich, hot, hard-bodied stars probably have no interest in monogamy and Bumbos. Has anyone ever really stopped to think whether Jen might just be happy dating a slew of hotties since Brad? While he has been busy humanitiarianizing (not a word, but should be), she has been drinking skinny margs in Cabo with an array of dudes I probably wouldn’t kick out of bed (except Gerard Butler. And probably John Mayer. But to each her own).

This past week, the tabloids are starting to shout about how her “wedding is on hold!” She is “pregnant and alone!” While I have to admit that where there’s smoke there’s usually fire on these types of stories (probably not the pregnant part), why do we collectively have to victimize her? I’m not underestimating Jen. They’ll break up I’m sure, but because she found another hotter, richer dude to sunbathe with. It’s been real, Justin!

50 Shades of Armie?

24 Jun
CC Photo by insidethemagic on Flickr

CC Photo by insidethemagic on Flickr

Lots of talk lately about who will be cast in the Fifty Shades of Grey movie after it was announced that Sam Taylor-Johnson will direct. I wish the answer was “No one,” because the author of the worst books ever written should not be rewarded further. This is where I go crotchety Grandma and say: what message are we sending to unfortunate young readers who get their paws on Fifty Shades and Twilight?!?! Namely, that a man shows his love by being an obsessive stalker who watches you sleep and gets jealous if someone sits next to you on a plane (but it’s only okay if he’s a hot billionaire/vampire). I am marginally interested to see how Taylor-Johnson will treat it, particularly considering her own “unconventional” (and so obviously super sexy) relationship.

taylorjohnson

As of last week, I was certain that Armie Hammer was gunning for the role, based on several conveniently timed Christian-Grey-like admissions. Suddenly he’s not just a living, boring Ken doll but instead a sexy sexy sexual deviant, you guys! He and his wife went to a “porno” shop on their first date (lovely courtship!). Before he was married he “liked the grabbing of the neck and the hair and all that.” (Sidenote: I crunched the numbers and he was married when he was approx 23, so I don’t know why he’s trying to drop all this old man sexual wisdom on us). Some crazy b*tch tried to stab him with a butcher knife while they were getting down (and Armie is the real crazy b*tch because he “broke up with her… seven months later.”). Apparently he’s since said he wouldn’t take the role, but I’m still skeptical. Either he is full of lies or he knows he won’t get it and is back-pedaling.

On another note, someone at work told me that Christian Grey had dreadlocks in the book, so she assumed he was black. Is this real? How did I miss this hair narrative? Is there some other version of the book floating around? So many questions.

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