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Two Attractive Crazies Find Each Other: A Love Story

6 Jan
All gossip aficionados know that there are certain stories, or celebrities (or “celebrities” in my case, see Exhibit A), who just happen to twerk our little gossip nerve.  There is just something about them that sets our heart aflutter when we see their name in our Twitter feed. You can barely stand the anticipation as you wait for the link to load to get some new nugget about your favorite saga. Oh, is that just me? Anyway, moving on…
 
In completely unrelated news, I have totally normal, non-obsessive feelings about the love affair between Emma Roberts and Evan Peters. It probably started with my equally sane attraction to his character on the first season of American Horror Story (who just happened to be a ghost of a killer. You win some, you lose some). I can’t even tell if he’s objectively good looking or not, but goddamn, I was feeling that dead psycho.
 
The intrigue really became full blown when I read about their alleged physical fight. No, this is totally not okay. It’s abusive and clearly one or both of them need to get themselves some help/definitely break up. BUT it doesn’t mean it’s not interesting in a kind of appalling way. It made me think of that couple who we’ve probably all met before. The female (sorry ladies, but it’s usually true) is totally insane but completely irresistible.  They have a totally dysfunctional relationship, but they truly believe that they are having a passionate love affair that eclipses all others. The fire that burns so hot it can only engulf us both, etc., etc. Think Elizabeth Taylor and Tim Burton. Elizabeth would’ve totally shed dramatic tears in front of the paparazzi and required coddling. Now picture them younger and having pretend but “OMG that is what it probably looks like in real life and I am interested” sex on your TV. (I just spent 10 minutes of my life that I can’t get back looking for a screenshot of their recent American Horror Story: Coven sex scene. But just trust me).
 
Now think on that for a while and tell me you’re not interested in the news that they just recently got engaged.  Ages 22 and 26, like to hit on each other, and then have hot make up sex. DEFINITELY going to end well. Congratulations!  
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Jennifer Aniston: Poor Little Rich Girl?

27 Jun

Jennifer Aniston People

For some reason, the story that the media has wanted to tell about Jennifer Aniston ever since Brad left her for that VIXEN MAN-STEALER Angelina is that she is unlucky in love (but dreaming of marrying again!), still not over Brad, desperate for a baby, etc., etc. Ladies all around the world let out a collective sigh of relief when Jen finally found love with Justin Theroux, who was willing to put a (hideous, giant) ring on it and impregnate her (fingers crossed!!!!). Because really, the Housewives of America can’t imagine that anyone wouldn’t want the lives they lead.

To which I say: excuse me ladies, but a lot of rich, hot, hard-bodied stars probably have no interest in monogamy and Bumbos. Has anyone ever really stopped to think whether Jen might just be happy dating a slew of hotties since Brad? While he has been busy humanitiarianizing (not a word, but should be), she has been drinking skinny margs in Cabo with an array of dudes I probably wouldn’t kick out of bed (except Gerard Butler. And probably John Mayer. But to each her own).

This past week, the tabloids are starting to shout about how her “wedding is on hold!” She is “pregnant and alone!” While I have to admit that where there’s smoke there’s usually fire on these types of stories (probably not the pregnant part), why do we collectively have to victimize her? I’m not underestimating Jen. They’ll break up I’m sure, but because she found another hotter, richer dude to sunbathe with. It’s been real, Justin!

For the Girls Who Have Everything…

17 Jun
CC photo by myalexis on Flickr

CC photo by myalexis on Flickr

Celebrity gift registries – yay or nay? I am against gift registries in general, which means I’m also always the resident curmudgeon at all things bridal. The idea of requesting (demanding?) specific items from one’s guests (and, of course, knowing exactly how much they spent on you if one were inclined to do the math) just totally gives me the icks. Not to mention, the registry is proof of the receiver’s total expectation that the givers will, actually, be giving. For anyone interested in the subject, Rebecca Mead’s excellent book, One Perfect Day: The Selling of the American Wedding, is a great read (American couples registered for $9 BILLION worth of gifts on registries in 2006. $9 BILLION!).

With that said, I’m not sure that I feel any sort of specific ickiness to celebrity registries, though I think there are many who do. On one hand, why should we apply higher standards to celebrities – really, based on experience we should be applying lower standards pretty much across the board. On the other hand, why are the girls who have everything, and the money to buy whatever they don’t, asking for additional things (instead of, perhaps, donations to their favorite charities)? Before writing this post, I presumed that I would have a timely topic: Kim Kardashian, patron saint of brand new Baby Yeezus, was sure to have an outrageous baby registry, right?! See excerpts from her crazy wedding registry here. Alas, it appears from reports that K&K may have actually refused gifts. I guess we have to wait until their wedding. Please, please gossip saints, deliver unto us a gift registry replete with solid gold, diamond-encrusted, Yeezus on a K-shaped cross teething rings!

Instead, we have to appease ourselves with Kristin Cavallari and Jay Cutler’s wedding registries for our first celebrity registry look.

CC photo by Nick Step on Flickr

CC photo by Nick Step on Flickr

According to the Huffington Post, the recently married couple registered at Crate & Barrel and Williams-Sonoma – just like us common folk! Although their total was about 3 times as much as the average wedding registry ($14,500 compared to $5,000), they registered for the same useless crap that the proletarians do.

Sometimes you just NEED a 1.5 inch pastry brush!

Sometimes you just NEED a 1.5 inch pastry brush!

Have you ever found yourself brushing your pastries, and curse the gods, thinking – IF ONLY I had a 1.5 inch brush?! My 1 inch brush is too, too small, and my 2 inch brush is just too, too big?? Well, no, neither have I. But presumably Goldilocks Cavallari has.

Matches are for cavepeople!

Matches are for cavepeople!

An $80 “firestarter” (um, I feel fancy if I use one of those trigger things instead of a match)? Of course, dahlinks!

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