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Behavior Unbecoming of Louis Stevens

17 Dec

Even Stevens

Everybody has been going crazy over Shia LaBeouf for like, forever, lately.  I’ve never been too impressed, maybe because I can’t see him as anyone but the kid from Even Stevens because I had to watch a zillion episodes of that show while babysitting. Maybe also because I’m a grandma and stuck in my ways. Maybe also because I interned in D.C. on the Hill for a summer during college, and his Disney sister, Ren Stevens–she may have had a real name, but who knows–was also an intern and I went to her ridiculous rooftop party (tangent: Cory Matthews of Boy Meets World fame was also interning on the Hill that summer, so it was basically this weird vortex of washed up Disney stars and moi). So basically what I’m saying is, she was practically my sister and thus he is my brother and I can tell him that he is acting like a little dipshit.

Nothing in the creative world is more reprehensible than plagiarizing. And it seems that lil’ bro Louis has now plagiarized not once, not twice, but three times. And those are just the times he’s been caught. Earlier this year, he and Alec Baldwin got into a really ridiculous little drama diva fight over who-even-cares-what.  Shia “leaked” the messages (douche turn number 1), and then plagiarized his apology for leaking the messages. Since he could easily have asked his publicist to write the apology, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Barely.

But then. We recently heard that he allegedly plagiarized an entire short film. Even though the reports seem to state that it was basically an exact copy (really, how narcissistic and/or dumb and/or both do you have to be to think you won’t get caught–as a famous person, no less–for this??), in true coward form Shia attempted to downplay it as a failure to credit the original artist. First, the golden rule is just ADMIT AND APOLOGIZE. I could be everyone’s publicist on that advice alone. Not only did my stupid little brother who I have officially disowned not take this advice, but he PLAGIARIZED HIS APOLOGY AGAIN. I just. can’t. The stupidity is mind-blowing. Please go away now, Shia. You’re pitiful.

Anatomy of a Celebrity Spiral, Part 1: Britney Spears

3 Jun


Crazy. eyes.

Crazy. eyes.

Celebrity downward spirals, while disturbing and, at times, rather entertaining to observe, appear to have certain consistent themes. Of course, we must begin with the most notorious (and sad, in my opinion) spiral of the millennium: Britney Spears. Sad because I think her spiral, while perhaps exacerbated by drug and alcohol use, was truly a sign of a mental illness. Shocking because of the sheer breakneck speed. Yet, as we’ll learn, while she was perhaps a trendsetter, she was in no way unique. Let’s identify some of the themes, shall we?

1. Keeping questionable company: Didn’t all of our parents warn us about what would happen if we lay down with dogs? In Britney’s case, she woke up panty-less and drunk with worthless Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan (more on LL in Part 2) in late 2006.

2. Aimless driving: Recall that in and around the summer of 2007, Britney took to driving aimlessly in her car for hours at a time. Escaping her handlers? Thriving on the attention of the paparazzi? Who knows, but I think a true sign of impending insanity is to choose to drive your car for hours in LA traffic when you’re rich enough to have a driver – or just send peons to fetch you Starbucks.

3. Awkward friend-making: I like my celebrities inaccessible. The biggest part of the appeal is the knowledge that they will always be better looking, have better bodies, and lead more exciting lives than the rest of us. While I’m drinking wine and watching Lifetime movies on my couch in sweatpants, I want to imagine that they are attending the most exclusive parties with other perfect people. At least when she was hittin’ the clubs with Paris she was spending time with a rich, attractive (?) person and NOT desperately approaching strangers and asking to borrow their bikini. Vom.

4. Terrible hair decisions; see also: Wigs: Ah, of course, the head-shaving incident and subsequent wig-wearing. No further comment necessary.

5. Trouble in, on, around cars: Again, why drive when you can pay someone to do it? More importantly, why drive when you can’t stop hitting bodies with your car? Or hitting cars with your body?

6. Court visits: While most of Britney’s visits to our Lady Justice were related to custody (of her own children, of herself), this is, of course, a prevalent theme in all spirals (even for us common folk).

Let’s compare and contrast with LL in Part 2.

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