Archive | Movies RSS feed for this section

The Canyons, Starring Lindsay Lohan’s Greasy Weave

5 Aug

LindsayLohanCanyons

This weekend, I was in a weakened state (i.e., two glasses of wine) and enjoying a night at home. I perused On Demand for a movie to watch. I’m sure there were many culturally enriching documentaries and artsy independent films, but my eye was caught by another kind of film: The Canyons, starring Lindsay Lohan and James Deen of Backdoor Teen Mom fame. I was hoping it would be so bad it’s good, in the vein of my all-time favorite movie, Showgirls. While nothing could measure up to Elizabeth Berkeley’s femme fatale, if any movie is 10% as entertaining as Showgirls, I’m in. So I paid the $7.99 (!!), filled up my sauv blanc, and dove in.

Genius.

Genius.

This movie, you guys. What a mess. James Deen just scowled like a curmudgeon the entire time. I think it was supposed to be sexy? Other things that were supposed to be sexy but weren’t: Lindsay’s topless scene; Lindsay herself; JD’s (admittedly impressive) full frontal; JD himself; several awkward (and by all accounts unenjoyable for everyone involved) group sex scenes. Other highlights include an invention–Text TV–(this is not a thing, right?!), which appears to exist solely to allow the viewers to read the texts Lindsay’s character was receiving in one scene. Really, who would want their Real Housewives of Wherever interrupted to read the text that is on the phone that you’re currently holding in your hand? Another unrealistic tech aspect is the fact that JD swapped phones with Lindsay’s character and she didn’t realize it for like 18 hours. Bret Easton Ellis clearly isn’t young anymore.

However, there was one character that I couldn’t tear my eyes away from. What stage presence. What charisma. My friends, I dare you to watch this movie and resist becoming entranced by Lindsay’s hair. Greasy on top, polyester on the bottom. Party all over. I couldn’t stop shouting about the hair and makeup heads that needed to roll, until I read that due to budget constraints each actor did their own hair and makeup. Ah, now that makes sense.

50 Shades of Armie?

24 Jun
CC Photo by insidethemagic on Flickr

CC Photo by insidethemagic on Flickr

Lots of talk lately about who will be cast in the Fifty Shades of Grey movie after it was announced that Sam Taylor-Johnson will direct. I wish the answer was “No one,” because the author of the worst books ever written should not be rewarded further. This is where I go crotchety Grandma and say: what message are we sending to unfortunate young readers who get their paws on Fifty Shades and Twilight?!?! Namely, that a man shows his love by being an obsessive stalker who watches you sleep and gets jealous if someone sits next to you on a plane (but it’s only okay if he’s a hot billionaire/vampire). I am marginally interested to see how Taylor-Johnson will treat it, particularly considering her own “unconventional” (and so obviously super sexy) relationship.

taylorjohnson

As of last week, I was certain that Armie Hammer was gunning for the role, based on several conveniently timed Christian-Grey-like admissions. Suddenly he’s not just a living, boring Ken doll but instead a sexy sexy sexual deviant, you guys! He and his wife went to a “porno” shop on their first date (lovely courtship!). Before he was married he “liked the grabbing of the neck and the hair and all that.” (Sidenote: I crunched the numbers and he was married when he was approx 23, so I don’t know why he’s trying to drop all this old man sexual wisdom on us). Some crazy b*tch tried to stab him with a butcher knife while they were getting down (and Armie is the real crazy b*tch because he “broke up with her… seven months later.”). Apparently he’s since said he wouldn’t take the role, but I’m still skeptical. Either he is full of lies or he knows he won’t get it and is back-pedaling.

On another note, someone at work told me that Christian Grey had dreadlocks in the book, so she assumed he was black. Is this real? How did I miss this hair narrative? Is there some other version of the book floating around? So many questions.

<span>%d</span> bloggers like this: