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Breaking News: Katharine McPhee is not smart!

26 Oct

20131026-231504.jpgCC photo by b r e n t on Flickr

This week, one of my all time FAVE gossip situations happened – dumb tricks getting caught on film!! I doubt the Katharine McPhee story will engender in me the gossip passion that the LeAnn/Eddie pics ignited (mostly because I don’t know anything about her, or him, or the spouses, and she’s not likely to reward us with public Twitter hissy fits), but it thrills me nonetheless.

As I’m sure you’ve heard, Katharine was caught on camera smooching her Smash director. It seems she may be separated from her husband but the smoochee is probably definitely a dirty cheater, since he immediately got kicked right to the curb by his wife. The most interesting part of the story to me is what the inside source said of Katharine’s reaction – she’s “embarrassed” she “GOT CAUGHT.” Ugh, inside source, you really whiffed it for your girl. The moms of America want to hear that you’re home flagellating yourself and throwing your chastity belt key into the ocean, not the truth.

I think probably most of us don’t care too much about this particular saga, but I care a lot whenever a celebrity is dumb enough to get caught on film doing something shady. It’s like catching Bigfoot! Even the biggest train wrecks usually have their ish tight enough to avoid clear photographic evidence. It’s only the biggest messes who get caught, which means that is a mess we want to keep watching. Bring it on, Katharine and whathisname and whathisname’s wife – I’m watching!

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Jennifer Aniston: Poor Little Rich Girl?

27 Jun

Jennifer Aniston People

For some reason, the story that the media has wanted to tell about Jennifer Aniston ever since Brad left her for that VIXEN MAN-STEALER Angelina is that she is unlucky in love (but dreaming of marrying again!), still not over Brad, desperate for a baby, etc., etc. Ladies all around the world let out a collective sigh of relief when Jen finally found love with Justin Theroux, who was willing to put a (hideous, giant) ring on it and impregnate her (fingers crossed!!!!). Because really, the Housewives of America can’t imagine that anyone wouldn’t want the lives they lead.

To which I say: excuse me ladies, but a lot of rich, hot, hard-bodied stars probably have no interest in monogamy and Bumbos. Has anyone ever really stopped to think whether Jen might just be happy dating a slew of hotties since Brad? While he has been busy humanitiarianizing (not a word, but should be), she has been drinking skinny margs in Cabo with an array of dudes I probably wouldn’t kick out of bed (except Gerard Butler. And probably John Mayer. But to each her own).

This past week, the tabloids are starting to shout about how her “wedding is on hold!” She is “pregnant and alone!” While I have to admit that where there’s smoke there’s usually fire on these types of stories (probably not the pregnant part), why do we collectively have to victimize her? I’m not underestimating Jen. They’ll break up I’m sure, but because she found another hotter, richer dude to sunbathe with. It’s been real, Justin!

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“Brad Pitt’s Life is Larger Than Yours”

11 Jun

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That’s the title of the photo-set for Brad Pitt’s latest interview with Esquire, titled “A Life So Large.” First of all – rude, Esquire! I’m offended by your implication that reality-TV-watching, wine-drinking, and looking at pictures of animals on the Internet does not a large life make. Personal offense aside, these titles are perfectly in sync with the messaging that Brad Pitt has been successfully putting out to the public the past few years.

Talking Point #1: Brad’s life/love with Angelina is like TOTALLY DEEP, you guys! I’m pretty indifferent about the Angelina v. Jennifer debate, but Brad and Angelina (I’ll give a full rundown of Angelina’s obvious personality makeover in another post) are a bit irritating to me as a couple. They’re like the Brooklyn hipsters who eyeroll you while they explain that they don’t own a TV and talk about their CSA. Enough! I get it! You feel a lot of feelings.

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Talking Point #2: HE LOVES ART. Specifically, uninterrupted lines. He has an “aesthetic.” Isn’t this just like saying “I have a personality”? Everyone’s got one, it doesn’t mean yours is good.

Talking Point #3: He is a citizen of the world! Not that people can’t change (maybe he went and picked up a PHD in international conflict management between movies?), but if we hop into the gossip time machine, we’ll remember that he once said:

“You shouldn’t speak until you know what you’re talking about. That’s why I get uncomfortable with interviews. Reporters ask me what I feel China should do about Tibet. Who cares what I think China should do? I’m a f*cking actor! They hand me a script. I act. I’m here for entertainment.”

A clear way he achieves this overall messaging is by contrasting his new, smart, artsy, FEELINGSY life with his old, dead, “pathetic” life. The fact that the old life was with Jennifer Aniston and is the subject of the most famous celebrity love triangle of the modern era is totally just a coincidence! If the quotes are picked up by more news sources because of this very implication, well that’s not his fault or intention! Don’t play that game with me, Brad! Or, at least, let’s not pretend that this isn’t strategic.

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p.s. I’m at a loss about how his self-diagnosis as a sufferer of prosopagnosia in the article plays into this, except for providing another opportunity to talk about his LOVE FOR ART: “I can’t grasp a face and yet I come from such a design/aesthetic point of view.” Perhaps the fact that he has a rare syndrome just confirms what a unique snowflake he is? Brad, I match your eyeroll and raise you a B*TCH PLEASE.

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