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The Canyons, Starring Lindsay Lohan’s Greasy Weave

5 Aug

LindsayLohanCanyons

This weekend, I was in a weakened state (i.e., two glasses of wine) and enjoying a night at home. I perused On Demand for a movie to watch. I’m sure there were many culturally enriching documentaries and artsy independent films, but my eye was caught by another kind of film: The Canyons, starring Lindsay Lohan and James Deen of Backdoor Teen Mom fame. I was hoping it would be so bad it’s good, in the vein of my all-time favorite movie, Showgirls. While nothing could measure up to Elizabeth Berkeley’s femme fatale, if any movie is 10% as entertaining as Showgirls, I’m in. So I paid the $7.99 (!!), filled up my sauv blanc, and dove in.

Genius.

Genius.

This movie, you guys. What a mess. James Deen just scowled like a curmudgeon the entire time. I think it was supposed to be sexy? Other things that were supposed to be sexy but weren’t: Lindsay’s topless scene; Lindsay herself; JD’s (admittedly impressive) full frontal; JD himself; several awkward (and by all accounts unenjoyable for everyone involved) group sex scenes. Other highlights include an invention–Text TV–(this is not a thing, right?!), which appears to exist solely to allow the viewers to read the texts Lindsay’s character was receiving in one scene. Really, who would want their Real Housewives of Wherever interrupted to read the text that is on the phone that you’re currently holding in your hand? Another unrealistic tech aspect is the fact that JD swapped phones with Lindsay’s character and she didn’t realize it for like 18 hours. Bret Easton Ellis clearly isn’t young anymore.

However, there was one character that I couldn’t tear my eyes away from. What stage presence. What charisma. My friends, I dare you to watch this movie and resist becoming entranced by Lindsay’s hair. Greasy on top, polyester on the bottom. Party all over. I couldn’t stop shouting about the hair and makeup heads that needed to roll, until I read that due to budget constraints each actor did their own hair and makeup. Ah, now that makes sense.

Anatomy of Celebrity Spiral, Part 3: Amanda Bynes

10 Jun
Staring. into. my. soul.

Staring. into. my. soul.

In Parts 1 and 2, we identified some of the themes in Britney’s and Lindsay’s spirals.  Amanda Bynes, our most timely spiral (i.e., the morbid part of me wanted to get this post out before something terrible happens to her/I would feel too guilty), is an interesting mix of Britney-sad and Lindsay-worthless.

 

1. Aimless driving: Apparently, when you show up on the first day of Celebrity Breakdown class, they give you some keys to an expensive car and tell you to go nuts (no license necessary!). Just like Britney, the first signs of impending doom in Amanda’s case were her aimless drives around LA + drugs + tacos. I can get behind the taco part, but it’s always trouble when a celebrity has too much time on her hands with nowhere to be.

2. Awkward friend-making, Twitter edition: Where Britney at least kept her awkward friend-making to ritzy hotels, Amanda makes friends with all of the riff raff on Twitter. Apparently all you need to do is tweet compliments or strange photoshopped “art” using Bynes-approved images and you’re golden.

Practically Picasso.

Practically Picasso.

3. Trouble in, on, around cars: I’m getting bored writing abouut all of these spiral hit and runs. She hit some people with her car a few times, ran, and didn’t really receive any punishment. Moving on.

4. Court visits: Most recently, she almost murdered someone with her bong. Sidenote: I want to know what goes down in this “psychiatric evaluation.” Is it like a chimpanzee with a clipboard? (Amanda: “You’re ugly! Here’s a banana!” Chimpanzee: “I like bananas! You pass.”).

5. Terrible hair decisions; see also: Wigs: I can’t even hate on this lady’s entertaining array of Halloween store wigs. Remember when your mom let you wear a wig on Halloween and in your 10-year-old mind you were like, “I’m sooo beautiful,” and in reality they itched like hell, you could see the netting, and you left a trail of polyester strands at every house you hit up? Yeah, like that.

I just want to run my fingers through those silken tresses.

I just want to run my fingers through those silken tresses.

In the interest of gender neutrality (why all these b*tches be crazy?), we cover Justin Bieber in Part 4.

Anatomy of a Celebrity Spiral, Part 2: Lindsay Lohan

3 Jun

She is only 26. 26!

In Part 1, we identified the most prevalent themes in our most notorious and sad spiral: Britney Spears. Today, I’d like to address what is, to me, a much less sad spiral and therefore infinitely more entertaining. We can cackle to our hearts’ content and only slightly raise our already considerable odds of going to hell. Let’s compare and contrast the worthless Lindsay with Britney.

1. Keeping questionable company: Just like dear Britney, our LL has made some piss poor choices in friends. Anyone who purposefully blows up your ugly-passed-out-face-spot is not worthy of a relationship, Linds! A real friend would be yanking that hoodie down. Maybe even drawing cartoon wide-open eyes on the fabric to try to throw the ‘razzi off the scent.

lindsaylohanteddyspassedout01

Also, Lindsay’s latest friends in “high” places make me skeptical. I mean, people don’t just let you use their private jet for nothing in return, right? If it can happen to lovely Tori, it can happen to you, Linds.

2. Trouble in, on, around cars: This is really where Linds shined, and part of the reason I have little sympathy for her. Her car troubles really highlight what an entitled, racist, spoiled brat she is. Including, but not limited to, TAKING PEOPLE HOSTAGE and blaming it on the “black kid,” hitting a STROLLER. WITH. A. BABY. IN. IT (is this real life?!), and committing an eensy weensy felony by (allegedly) driving drunk and lying to the police about it. I could go on, but I have things to do (watch videos of cute baby animals) and frankly, her flagrant disregard for the natural consequences of her irresponsible actions infuriates me.

3. Court visits: Again, I’m not trying to write a novel here, but if I had a dollar for every time she’s had a case, been late to court, failed to fulfill her probation, sued/been sued (or should’ve been sued – Million Dollar Decorators, I’m looking at you), I’d have enough dollars to upgrade from Franzia. This is another important point to stress for any of you who may be feeling any pity for our wayward star. Bad enough to catch a case, but with all of the resources at her disposal, she can’t just like NOTE the hearing in her Google calendar or whatever and just SHOW UP?! Inexcusable. I could go on, but I need those puppies to lower my blood pressure.

We turn our analyst’s eye to Amanda Bynes in Part 3.

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