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50 Shades of Armie?

24 Jun
CC Photo by insidethemagic on Flickr

CC Photo by insidethemagic on Flickr

Lots of talk lately about who will be cast in the Fifty Shades of Grey movie after it was announced that Sam Taylor-Johnson will direct. I wish the answer was “No one,” because the author of the worst books ever written should not be rewarded further. This is where I go crotchety Grandma and say: what message are we sending to unfortunate young readers who get their paws on Fifty Shades and Twilight?!?! Namely, that a man shows his love by being an obsessive stalker who watches you sleep and gets jealous if someone sits next to you on a plane (but it’s only okay if he’s a hot billionaire/vampire). I am marginally interested to see how Taylor-Johnson will treat it, particularly considering her own “unconventional” (and so obviously super sexy) relationship.

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As of last week, I was certain that Armie Hammer was gunning for the role, based on several conveniently timed Christian-Grey-like admissions. Suddenly he’s not just a living, boring Ken doll but instead a sexy sexy sexual deviant, you guys! He and his wife went to a “porno” shop on their first date (lovely courtship!). Before he was married he “liked the grabbing of the neck and the hair and all that.” (Sidenote: I crunched the numbers and he was married when he was approx 23, so I don’t know why he’s trying to drop all this old man sexual wisdom on us). Some crazy b*tch tried to stab him with a butcher knife while they were getting down (and Armie is the real crazy b*tch because he “broke up with her… seven months later.”). Apparently he’s since said he wouldn’t take the role, but I’m still skeptical. Either he is full of lies or he knows he won’t get it and is back-pedaling.

On another note, someone at work told me that Christian Grey had dreadlocks in the book, so she assumed he was black. Is this real? How did I miss this hair narrative? Is there some other version of the book floating around? So many questions.

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“Brad Pitt’s Life is Larger Than Yours”

11 Jun

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That’s the title of the photo-set for Brad Pitt’s latest interview with Esquire, titled “A Life So Large.” First of all – rude, Esquire! I’m offended by your implication that reality-TV-watching, wine-drinking, and looking at pictures of animals on the Internet does not a large life make. Personal offense aside, these titles are perfectly in sync with the messaging that Brad Pitt has been successfully putting out to the public the past few years.

Talking Point #1: Brad’s life/love with Angelina is like TOTALLY DEEP, you guys! I’m pretty indifferent about the Angelina v. Jennifer debate, but Brad and Angelina (I’ll give a full rundown of Angelina’s obvious personality makeover in another post) are a bit irritating to me as a couple. They’re like the Brooklyn hipsters who eyeroll you while they explain that they don’t own a TV and talk about their CSA. Enough! I get it! You feel a lot of feelings.

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Talking Point #2: HE LOVES ART. Specifically, uninterrupted lines. He has an “aesthetic.” Isn’t this just like saying “I have a personality”? Everyone’s got one, it doesn’t mean yours is good.

Talking Point #3: He is a citizen of the world! Not that people can’t change (maybe he went and picked up a PHD in international conflict management between movies?), but if we hop into the gossip time machine, we’ll remember that he once said:

“You shouldn’t speak until you know what you’re talking about. That’s why I get uncomfortable with interviews. Reporters ask me what I feel China should do about Tibet. Who cares what I think China should do? I’m a f*cking actor! They hand me a script. I act. I’m here for entertainment.”

A clear way he achieves this overall messaging is by contrasting his new, smart, artsy, FEELINGSY life with his old, dead, “pathetic” life. The fact that the old life was with Jennifer Aniston and is the subject of the most famous celebrity love triangle of the modern era is totally just a coincidence! If the quotes are picked up by more news sources because of this very implication, well that’s not his fault or intention! Don’t play that game with me, Brad! Or, at least, let’s not pretend that this isn’t strategic.

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p.s. I’m at a loss about how his self-diagnosis as a sufferer of prosopagnosia in the article plays into this, except for providing another opportunity to talk about his LOVE FOR ART: “I can’t grasp a face and yet I come from such a design/aesthetic point of view.” Perhaps the fact that he has a rare syndrome just confirms what a unique snowflake he is? Brad, I match your eyeroll and raise you a B*TCH PLEASE.

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