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That’s Gold, Jerry! Gold!

15 Nov

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CC photo by pvera on Flickr

You know how everyone always says (said? Am I really getting that old?) that every situation in life can be compared to a Seinfeld episode? Well, gossip is no exception. The other day, Alec “thoughtless little pig” Baldwin lost his shit and called a photog a homophobic slur. Guess he needs some more relaxation tips from his yogi wife ’cause damn… he hype.

Well, thank goodness he’s basically a PR GENIUS because today he came up with a foolproof plan to get back in our good graces. You may be asking yourself, Alec, please enlighten me–what’s the best way to prove you’re not a bigot? Well, as both Alec and George Costanza know, all you have to do is trot out a member of the group you may have offended and pay they love and respect you so much they will not take no for an answer and must clear your good name. For Alec, it was his gay hairdresser. For George, Karl the exterminator.

Nice one, Alec. Next time try the Parent Trap route and try to convince us it was Billy.

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Thanks for Nothing, Dourtney

2 Nov

20131102-155626.jpgCourtneyStodden on Twitter

Guys. What’s the opposite of a Christmas miracle?! A HALLOWEEN TRAGEDY. Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison have split. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the greatest love story of our time, Courtney, a young ingenue who is as pure as the driven snow, married Doug, a worldly and suave lesbian, when she was 16 and he was 50, and swept us all away in their love affair.

I also watched every episode of their season of Couples Therapy with bated breath (ALSO remember when Alex McCord bit it storming away from the pool?). The guy from The Dirty and the girl from that British guy’s season of the Bachelor were so jealous of their love, but I think I can say the rest of us were inspired.

The most tragic part, however, is that I’ve been ruminating on a Courtney-Doug Halloween couples ‘stume for years and now I’ll never EVEN GET TO DO IT! I even had a plan to recreate her eggplant tinted boob balls.

I guess a fire that burns that hot must engulf itself eventually. Vigil at 9 tonight.

Breaking News: Katharine McPhee is not smart!

26 Oct

20131026-231504.jpgCC photo by b r e n t on Flickr

This week, one of my all time FAVE gossip situations happened – dumb tricks getting caught on film!! I doubt the Katharine McPhee story will engender in me the gossip passion that the LeAnn/Eddie pics ignited (mostly because I don’t know anything about her, or him, or the spouses, and she’s not likely to reward us with public Twitter hissy fits), but it thrills me nonetheless.

As I’m sure you’ve heard, Katharine was caught on camera smooching her Smash director. It seems she may be separated from her husband but the smoochee is probably definitely a dirty cheater, since he immediately got kicked right to the curb by his wife. The most interesting part of the story to me is what the inside source said of Katharine’s reaction – she’s “embarrassed” she “GOT CAUGHT.” Ugh, inside source, you really whiffed it for your girl. The moms of America want to hear that you’re home flagellating yourself and throwing your chastity belt key into the ocean, not the truth.

I think probably most of us don’t care too much about this particular saga, but I care a lot whenever a celebrity is dumb enough to get caught on film doing something shady. It’s like catching Bigfoot! Even the biggest train wrecks usually have their ish tight enough to avoid clear photographic evidence. It’s only the biggest messes who get caught, which means that is a mess we want to keep watching. Bring it on, Katharine and whathisname and whathisname’s wife – I’m watching!

Glorious Kimye!

22 Oct
Kimkardashian on Instagram

Kimkardashian on Instagram

So, everyone everywhere has heard that our glorious prophet Yeezus and his very own Mary Magdalene have made it official. Yeah, that’s right, we’re getting biblical and it’s actually amazing how right that is, now that I think about it. Kanye has already clarified that he is our messiah, so I think we can all quickly agree on that. But I did some research (i.e., read exactly one Wikipedia article) and there are some stunning comparisons between Kim and Jesus’s groupie, Mary. Jesus cast out seven demons from MM and Kanye has done the same for Kim! To name just a few:

1. De-prostituted!: some scholars think MM may have been the Julia Roberts to Jesus’s Richard Gere. But now, KK will never have to be golden showered on video again because we all know Kanye isn’t interested in that mess (by “that mess,” I mean ladies).

2. Barbie Makeover!: Kanye sashayed right into Kim’s closet and fashion mavened the shit out of it. If you don’t like it you just don’t get it, peasant!

3. Literal exorcism!: some reports say that Kanye hasn’t been feeling Kris and will soon cull Kim from the Kardashian herd. If true, I have no doubt that he will ultimately rid Kim of Zuul for good.

Good for you, Kim Magdalene! You win your second baseball-sized engagement ring and a psychotic despot!

Unrelated post-script: His desperate addition of “E”s in his marry meeeeeee sign will keep me in cringes for the rest of the evening.

The Blank Stare

1 Aug
I'm Gonna Sit at the Welcome Table

I’m Gonna Sit at the Welcome Table

Guys … can we talk about Scientology for a quick sec? Also, a million points for anyone who has seen the Strangers with Candy Episodes, “The Blank Stare,” in which Jerri joins a cult. Of COURSE I’m not alleging that Scientology is a cult, just felt like talking about that.

I’ve been wanting to shout about Scientology for a while, and it seems timely on the heels of Leah Remini’s announcement that she was leaving the cul…er, religion. Religion based on a nerd’s sci-fi novel. A religion that allows a bunch of other nerds to work on developing SUPER POWERS. I mean, I just can’t. I’ve long wondered what the appeal must be, and how a bunch of otherwise sophisticated (sophisticated in the sense that they have access to information and the best of everything, rather than sophisticated in behavior) and wealthy famous people could all be convinced to sign up with these nut jobs. I mean, these aren’t uneducated, backwater country folk forming a militia in the woods.

Thinking long and hard about it, I can only assume that Scientology must offer something that appeals to a character trait that these celebrities have in common. So, the question arises – what character trait do most celebrities have in common? A heavy dose of narcissism, big egos, and underlying insecurity, of course. So basically I’m just picturing that behind the Scientology scenes, David Miscavige is telling Tom Cruise, et al., about how with a few years of auditing and millions of dollars, their inherent abilities to read minds, levitate, and whatever other stupid superpower they want (because being rich and famous just isn’t sufficient) can be realized. Because they’re SPECIAL and DIFFERENT from the rest of us normal folks who would just get totally creeped out by this loser:

CC photo by: Scientology Media on Flickr

CC photo by: Scientology Media on Flickr

So basically, Scientologists are a bunch of insecure nerds who like to get together to talk about whether they’ll go to a locker room or a bank first once their minions finish up their invisibility cloaks. Which would be funny, except in the meantime, MISCAVIGE’S WIFE IS (allegedly) MISSING AND NO ONE IS DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT. Am I taking crazy pills?! Leah, I’m glad you’re getting out and not “shutting up”, but maybe you should, um, call the police or something? Just a thought.

Update: Well, what do you know? She filed a missing persons report. Attagirl.

Anatomy of a Celebrity Spiral, Part 4: Baby Bieber Throws Tantrums

15 Jul
CC photo by: iloveJB123 on Flickr

CC photo by: iloveJB123 on Flickr

Covering our first male spiral feels particularly timely today, in the wake of the news over the weekend that Cory Monteith died of a suspected drug overdose at age 31. Writing about deaths is unfunny and sad, even if Cory was probably, relevantly, in the midst of a maybe-not-so-secret spiral, so I’d rather write about Baby Bieber as Part 4 of our Anatomy of a Celebrity Spiral series. Like the illustrious goddesses before him (Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Amanda Bynes), lil’ Biebs has some tell-tale signs of a Grade-A celebrity spiral:

1. Trouble in, on, or around cars: Justin has already racked up a number of vehicular indiscretions, including an alleged hit and run and reckless driving. How much would you have paid to watch Keyshawn Johnson put Biebs in time out?! This is why they shouldn’t let 11 year olds drive (wait, they don’t? Somebody get that tween out from behind the wheel!!!).

2. Terrible hair decisions; see also: Wigs; see also: Headwear: Apparently the girls make terrible hair and wig decisions, but Biebs has put his macho (ha) twist on this spiral theme with terrible headwear decisions. Just stop. Breathing the poor-people air won’t hurt you, widdle guy.

JustinBieberMask JustinBieberMask2

3. Inability to keep one’s bodily fluids to oneself: This might be what separates the girls from the baby-boys. I’m going to pretend I know things about science (other then wine fermentation) and say that the male version of our species manifests its unmanageable feelings (read, tantrums) via bodily emissions. Let’s not forget his possible one-night stand consequences, spitting on his neighbor, and indirectly–but very intentionally–giving a golden shower to an entire restaurant floor. What’s that sticky feeling under your shoes, restaurant patron? Don’t complain, you should be grateful for the essence of Baby Bieber Jesus.

File Justin with his fellow worthless celeb-spiral LL and await the court visits. Someone needs a serious spanking.

Candidly Nicole

11 Jul

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Don’t you hate it when your boyfriend is driving you 6 hours back from July 4 vacation and you catch up on all of your regular gossip sites on your iPhone and are TOTALLY BORED?? It’s practically like living in a third world country. Since I couldn’t possibly think thoughts or converse with him, I had to expand my mind and look for other online entertainment. To this end, I stumbled upon Candidly Nicole, a “show” on AOL On (AOL is still a thing? A show based on a Twitter feed? I don’t understand this world anymore). To my delight, catching up on the several 5 minute videos carried me through an hour of North Carolina.

While I was watching, I ruminated on all things Nicole. If you watch the show (or follow her on Twitter), you’ll realize that she is smart, funny, cute, and completely likeable. And this is coming from me, who thinks most celebrities are practically brain dead. I would totally be her friend! My problem, though, is squaring that with this:

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And the fact that she was best friends with worthless Paris Hilton.

And married to a guy who seems kind of boring/embarrassing?

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My mind doesn’t like to be confused, so I’ll just have to chalk it up to poor youthful (in)decisions and stop thinking about it. I suppose we all made them. If the world could’ve seen my angsty AIM away messages, skater BoI-friends, and my head full of butterfly clips, I guess that would be kinda hard for me to move on from, too.

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