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Anatomy of Celebrity Spiral, Part 3: Amanda Bynes

10 Jun
Staring. into. my. soul.

Staring. into. my. soul.

In Parts 1 and 2, we identified some of the themes in Britney’s and Lindsay’s spirals.  Amanda Bynes, our most timely spiral (i.e., the morbid part of me wanted to get this post out before something terrible happens to her/I would feel too guilty), is an interesting mix of Britney-sad and Lindsay-worthless.

 

1. Aimless driving: Apparently, when you show up on the first day of Celebrity Breakdown class, they give you some keys to an expensive car and tell you to go nuts (no license necessary!). Just like Britney, the first signs of impending doom in Amanda’s case were her aimless drives around LA + drugs + tacos. I can get behind the taco part, but it’s always trouble when a celebrity has too much time on her hands with nowhere to be.

2. Awkward friend-making, Twitter edition: Where Britney at least kept her awkward friend-making to ritzy hotels, Amanda makes friends with all of the riff raff on Twitter. Apparently all you need to do is tweet compliments or strange photoshopped “art” using Bynes-approved images and you’re golden.

Practically Picasso.

Practically Picasso.

3. Trouble in, on, around cars: I’m getting bored writing abouut all of these spiral hit and runs. She hit some people with her car a few times, ran, and didn’t really receive any punishment. Moving on.

4. Court visits: Most recently, she almost murdered someone with her bong. Sidenote: I want to know what goes down in this “psychiatric evaluation.” Is it like a chimpanzee with a clipboard? (Amanda: “You’re ugly! Here’s a banana!” Chimpanzee: “I like bananas! You pass.”).

5. Terrible hair decisions; see also: Wigs: I can’t even hate on this lady’s entertaining array of Halloween store wigs. Remember when your mom let you wear a wig on Halloween and in your 10-year-old mind you were like, “I’m sooo beautiful,” and in reality they itched like hell, you could see the netting, and you left a trail of polyester strands at every house you hit up? Yeah, like that.

I just want to run my fingers through those silken tresses.

I just want to run my fingers through those silken tresses.

In the interest of gender neutrality (why all these b*tches be crazy?), we cover Justin Bieber in Part 4.

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