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Two Attractive Crazies Find Each Other: A Love Story

6 Jan
All gossip aficionados know that there are certain stories, or celebrities (or “celebrities” in my case, see Exhibit A), who just happen to twerk our little gossip nerve.  There is just something about them that sets our heart aflutter when we see their name in our Twitter feed. You can barely stand the anticipation as you wait for the link to load to get some new nugget about your favorite saga. Oh, is that just me? Anyway, moving on…
 
In completely unrelated news, I have totally normal, non-obsessive feelings about the love affair between Emma Roberts and Evan Peters. It probably started with my equally sane attraction to his character on the first season of American Horror Story (who just happened to be a ghost of a killer. You win some, you lose some). I can’t even tell if he’s objectively good looking or not, but goddamn, I was feeling that dead psycho.
 
The intrigue really became full blown when I read about their alleged physical fight. No, this is totally not okay. It’s abusive and clearly one or both of them need to get themselves some help/definitely break up. BUT it doesn’t mean it’s not interesting in a kind of appalling way. It made me think of that couple who we’ve probably all met before. The female (sorry ladies, but it’s usually true) is totally insane but completely irresistible.  They have a totally dysfunctional relationship, but they truly believe that they are having a passionate love affair that eclipses all others. The fire that burns so hot it can only engulf us both, etc., etc. Think Elizabeth Taylor and Tim Burton. Elizabeth would’ve totally shed dramatic tears in front of the paparazzi and required coddling. Now picture them younger and having pretend but “OMG that is what it probably looks like in real life and I am interested” sex on your TV. (I just spent 10 minutes of my life that I can’t get back looking for a screenshot of their recent American Horror Story: Coven sex scene. But just trust me).
 
Now think on that for a while and tell me you’re not interested in the news that they just recently got engaged.  Ages 22 and 26, like to hit on each other, and then have hot make up sex. DEFINITELY going to end well. Congratulations!  
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That’s Gold, Jerry! Gold!

15 Nov

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CC photo by pvera on Flickr

You know how everyone always says (said? Am I really getting that old?) that every situation in life can be compared to a Seinfeld episode? Well, gossip is no exception. The other day, Alec “thoughtless little pig” Baldwin lost his shit and called a photog a homophobic slur. Guess he needs some more relaxation tips from his yogi wife ’cause damn… he hype.

Well, thank goodness he’s basically a PR GENIUS because today he came up with a foolproof plan to get back in our good graces. You may be asking yourself, Alec, please enlighten me–what’s the best way to prove you’re not a bigot? Well, as both Alec and George Costanza know, all you have to do is trot out a member of the group you may have offended and pay they love and respect you so much they will not take no for an answer and must clear your good name. For Alec, it was his gay hairdresser. For George, Karl the exterminator.

Nice one, Alec. Next time try the Parent Trap route and try to convince us it was Billy.

Thanks for Nothing, Dourtney

2 Nov

20131102-155626.jpgCourtneyStodden on Twitter

Guys. What’s the opposite of a Christmas miracle?! A HALLOWEEN TRAGEDY. Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison have split. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the greatest love story of our time, Courtney, a young ingenue who is as pure as the driven snow, married Doug, a worldly and suave lesbian, when she was 16 and he was 50, and swept us all away in their love affair.

I also watched every episode of their season of Couples Therapy with bated breath (ALSO remember when Alex McCord bit it storming away from the pool?). The guy from The Dirty and the girl from that British guy’s season of the Bachelor were so jealous of their love, but I think I can say the rest of us were inspired.

The most tragic part, however, is that I’ve been ruminating on a Courtney-Doug Halloween couples ‘stume for years and now I’ll never EVEN GET TO DO IT! I even had a plan to recreate her eggplant tinted boob balls.

I guess a fire that burns that hot must engulf itself eventually. Vigil at 9 tonight.

Breaking News: Katharine McPhee is not smart!

26 Oct

20131026-231504.jpgCC photo by b r e n t on Flickr

This week, one of my all time FAVE gossip situations happened – dumb tricks getting caught on film!! I doubt the Katharine McPhee story will engender in me the gossip passion that the LeAnn/Eddie pics ignited (mostly because I don’t know anything about her, or him, or the spouses, and she’s not likely to reward us with public Twitter hissy fits), but it thrills me nonetheless.

As I’m sure you’ve heard, Katharine was caught on camera smooching her Smash director. It seems she may be separated from her husband but the smoochee is probably definitely a dirty cheater, since he immediately got kicked right to the curb by his wife. The most interesting part of the story to me is what the inside source said of Katharine’s reaction – she’s “embarrassed” she “GOT CAUGHT.” Ugh, inside source, you really whiffed it for your girl. The moms of America want to hear that you’re home flagellating yourself and throwing your chastity belt key into the ocean, not the truth.

I think probably most of us don’t care too much about this particular saga, but I care a lot whenever a celebrity is dumb enough to get caught on film doing something shady. It’s like catching Bigfoot! Even the biggest train wrecks usually have their ish tight enough to avoid clear photographic evidence. It’s only the biggest messes who get caught, which means that is a mess we want to keep watching. Bring it on, Katharine and whathisname and whathisname’s wife – I’m watching!

Lamar and Khloe: True Love Dies

29 Aug
How could this love die?

How could this love die?

Question: If we can’t count on Khloe and Lamar, a professional athlete and reality star who knew each other for one month before getting married, to make it – who can in this crazy world?! Answer: basically anyone else, so wipe that shocked/sad look off of your faces!

There have been rumors for quite a while now that there’s been trouble in Lam-Lam paradise, with allegations that Lamar has been stepping out on Khloe with a bevvy of ladies, including this “entrepreneur.” (Side note: please, please tell me what entrepreneurial venture this woman is spearheading. I mean really.). My general gossip philosophy is that, at a certain point at least, where there’s smoke there’s fire. Also – see PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE AND REALITY STAR DATING FOR ONE MONTH, above. I believed it from the very beginning, obviously. This past week or so, the stories intensified, including random drug allegations! (I have to admit that part was surprising, although my sports-obsessed guy told me to discount the “evidence” that he isn’t being re-signed by the Clippers. Apparently that was going to happen anyway. I love the few occasions our interests align! We may even have slightly more of a chance to make it than Khloe and Lammy!) Anyway, looks like it’ll be a done deal soon.

The more interesting question is why it seems so many people have ignored the obvious signs that they were NEVER going to make it and are shocked and/or upset by this news. Our age-old desire to believe in love at first sight? People rooting for the “fat” sister? The baby talk? The tattoos?

Could be turned into a nice butterfly?

Could be turned into a nice butterfly?

It can’t be the tattoos, or we all would’ve been rooting for Britney and Kevin and lord knows that’s not the case. Beats the hell out of me, but mop up those tears and soldier on, people!

Miley Cyrus. And Miley Cyrus’s Tonsils.

26 Aug

I’ve been wanting to post about Miley for a while, and I couldn’t ignore it any longer after her performance at last night’s VMAs. Woof, Miley. If the Smith family is appalled, it’s time to reevalute your choices.

Willow will whip her hair at you, gurl.

Willow will whip her hair at you, gurl.

Last night everyone on social media was yelling about how ridiculous and out of control she is. While her latest steeze gives me quite a few cringes, I’ve had a soft spot for her ever since I watched an interesting documentary about her life (by “interesting documentary,” I mean “E! True Hollywood Story”). My takeaway was that she is a fun-loving, spontaneous kind of lady who doesn’t mind making a fool of herself. I can get behind that, so I’ve been willing to forgive a lot of her twerking craziness lately, even if her arthouse-wannabe video for We Can’t Stop made me want to kill myself. And, as I’ve discussed here before, let us not forget how embarrassed we’d be if some of our youth’s phases were immortalized for the world to see and dissected by everyone (see, every style choice I made in the 90s. Thanks for nothing Blossom and Clarissa Explains It All).

Of course, our society of He-Man Woman Haters also can’t resist talking about her latest changes in the context of her relationship with Liam Hemsworth. She’s acting out because he doesn’t love her anymore! He doesn’t love her anymore because she’s acting out! They’re growing apart because she’s not the girl he fell in love with! He is aghast that his wholesome love has been replaced with a short-haired HIDEOUS BEAST-FREAK interested in urban culture. People. Let’s not be stupid. They got engaged when she was 19. If you were placing bets on this lasting, well, I don’t know what to tell you. Time to get out of the gossip biz.

So Miley, I won’t file you in my impending-spiral category yet, even with the drastic hair changes. But please, please for the love of God put your tongue back in your mouth. Liam thinks that’s even less attractive than your lesbian haircut.

Is this a deformity of some sort?

Is this a deformity of some sort?

The Canyons, Starring Lindsay Lohan’s Greasy Weave

5 Aug

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This weekend, I was in a weakened state (i.e., two glasses of wine) and enjoying a night at home. I perused On Demand for a movie to watch. I’m sure there were many culturally enriching documentaries and artsy independent films, but my eye was caught by another kind of film: The Canyons, starring Lindsay Lohan and James Deen of Backdoor Teen Mom fame. I was hoping it would be so bad it’s good, in the vein of my all-time favorite movie, Showgirls. While nothing could measure up to Elizabeth Berkeley’s femme fatale, if any movie is 10% as entertaining as Showgirls, I’m in. So I paid the $7.99 (!!), filled up my sauv blanc, and dove in.

Genius.

Genius.

This movie, you guys. What a mess. James Deen just scowled like a curmudgeon the entire time. I think it was supposed to be sexy? Other things that were supposed to be sexy but weren’t: Lindsay’s topless scene; Lindsay herself; JD’s (admittedly impressive) full frontal; JD himself; several awkward (and by all accounts unenjoyable for everyone involved) group sex scenes. Other highlights include an invention–Text TV–(this is not a thing, right?!), which appears to exist solely to allow the viewers to read the texts Lindsay’s character was receiving in one scene. Really, who would want their Real Housewives of Wherever interrupted to read the text that is on the phone that you’re currently holding in your hand? Another unrealistic tech aspect is the fact that JD swapped phones with Lindsay’s character and she didn’t realize it for like 18 hours. Bret Easton Ellis clearly isn’t young anymore.

However, there was one character that I couldn’t tear my eyes away from. What stage presence. What charisma. My friends, I dare you to watch this movie and resist becoming entranced by Lindsay’s hair. Greasy on top, polyester on the bottom. Party all over. I couldn’t stop shouting about the hair and makeup heads that needed to roll, until I read that due to budget constraints each actor did their own hair and makeup. Ah, now that makes sense.

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