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Anatomy of a Celebrity Spiral, Part 4: Baby Bieber Throws Tantrums

15 Jul
CC photo by: iloveJB123 on Flickr

CC photo by: iloveJB123 on Flickr

Covering our first male spiral feels particularly timely today, in the wake of the news over the weekend that Cory Monteith died of a suspected drug overdose at age 31. Writing about deaths is unfunny and sad, even if Cory was probably, relevantly, in the midst of a maybe-not-so-secret spiral, so I’d rather write about Baby Bieber as Part 4 of our Anatomy of a Celebrity Spiral series. Like the illustrious goddesses before him (Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Amanda Bynes), lil’ Biebs has some tell-tale signs of a Grade-A celebrity spiral:

1. Trouble in, on, or around cars: Justin has already racked up a number of vehicular indiscretions, including an alleged hit and run and reckless driving. How much would you have paid to watch Keyshawn Johnson put Biebs in time out?! This is why they shouldn’t let 11 year olds drive (wait, they don’t? Somebody get that tween out from behind the wheel!!!).

2. Terrible hair decisions; see also: Wigs; see also: Headwear: Apparently the girls make terrible hair and wig decisions, but Biebs has put his macho (ha) twist on this spiral theme with terrible headwear decisions. Just stop. Breathing the poor-people air won’t hurt you, widdle guy.

JustinBieberMask JustinBieberMask2

3. Inability to keep one’s bodily fluids to oneself: This might be what separates the girls from the baby-boys. I’m going to pretend I know things about science (other then wine fermentation) and say that the male version of our species manifests its unmanageable feelings (read, tantrums) via bodily emissions. Let’s not forget his possible one-night stand consequences, spitting on his neighbor, and indirectly–but very intentionally–giving a golden shower to an entire restaurant floor. What’s that sticky feeling under your shoes, restaurant patron? Don’t complain, you should be grateful for the essence of Baby Bieber Jesus.

File Justin with his fellow worthless celeb-spiral LL and await the court visits. Someone needs a serious spanking.

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“Brad Pitt’s Life is Larger Than Yours”

11 Jun

image

That’s the title of the photo-set for Brad Pitt’s latest interview with Esquire, titled “A Life So Large.” First of all – rude, Esquire! I’m offended by your implication that reality-TV-watching, wine-drinking, and looking at pictures of animals on the Internet does not a large life make. Personal offense aside, these titles are perfectly in sync with the messaging that Brad Pitt has been successfully putting out to the public the past few years.

Talking Point #1: Brad’s life/love with Angelina is like TOTALLY DEEP, you guys! I’m pretty indifferent about the Angelina v. Jennifer debate, but Brad and Angelina (I’ll give a full rundown of Angelina’s obvious personality makeover in another post) are a bit irritating to me as a couple. They’re like the Brooklyn hipsters who eyeroll you while they explain that they don’t own a TV and talk about their CSA. Enough! I get it! You feel a lot of feelings.

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Talking Point #2: HE LOVES ART. Specifically, uninterrupted lines. He has an “aesthetic.” Isn’t this just like saying “I have a personality”? Everyone’s got one, it doesn’t mean yours is good.

Talking Point #3: He is a citizen of the world! Not that people can’t change (maybe he went and picked up a PHD in international conflict management between movies?), but if we hop into the gossip time machine, we’ll remember that he once said:

“You shouldn’t speak until you know what you’re talking about. That’s why I get uncomfortable with interviews. Reporters ask me what I feel China should do about Tibet. Who cares what I think China should do? I’m a f*cking actor! They hand me a script. I act. I’m here for entertainment.”

A clear way he achieves this overall messaging is by contrasting his new, smart, artsy, FEELINGSY life with his old, dead, “pathetic” life. The fact that the old life was with Jennifer Aniston and is the subject of the most famous celebrity love triangle of the modern era is totally just a coincidence! If the quotes are picked up by more news sources because of this very implication, well that’s not his fault or intention! Don’t play that game with me, Brad! Or, at least, let’s not pretend that this isn’t strategic.

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p.s. I’m at a loss about how his self-diagnosis as a sufferer of prosopagnosia in the article plays into this, except for providing another opportunity to talk about his LOVE FOR ART: “I can’t grasp a face and yet I come from such a design/aesthetic point of view.” Perhaps the fact that he has a rare syndrome just confirms what a unique snowflake he is? Brad, I match your eyeroll and raise you a B*TCH PLEASE.

Anatomy of Celebrity Spiral, Part 3: Amanda Bynes

10 Jun
Staring. into. my. soul.

Staring. into. my. soul.

In Parts 1 and 2, we identified some of the themes in Britney’s and Lindsay’s spirals.  Amanda Bynes, our most timely spiral (i.e., the morbid part of me wanted to get this post out before something terrible happens to her/I would feel too guilty), is an interesting mix of Britney-sad and Lindsay-worthless.

 

1. Aimless driving: Apparently, when you show up on the first day of Celebrity Breakdown class, they give you some keys to an expensive car and tell you to go nuts (no license necessary!). Just like Britney, the first signs of impending doom in Amanda’s case were her aimless drives around LA + drugs + tacos. I can get behind the taco part, but it’s always trouble when a celebrity has too much time on her hands with nowhere to be.

2. Awkward friend-making, Twitter edition: Where Britney at least kept her awkward friend-making to ritzy hotels, Amanda makes friends with all of the riff raff on Twitter. Apparently all you need to do is tweet compliments or strange photoshopped “art” using Bynes-approved images and you’re golden.

Practically Picasso.

Practically Picasso.

3. Trouble in, on, around cars: I’m getting bored writing abouut all of these spiral hit and runs. She hit some people with her car a few times, ran, and didn’t really receive any punishment. Moving on.

4. Court visits: Most recently, she almost murdered someone with her bong. Sidenote: I want to know what goes down in this “psychiatric evaluation.” Is it like a chimpanzee with a clipboard? (Amanda: “You’re ugly! Here’s a banana!” Chimpanzee: “I like bananas! You pass.”).

5. Terrible hair decisions; see also: Wigs: I can’t even hate on this lady’s entertaining array of Halloween store wigs. Remember when your mom let you wear a wig on Halloween and in your 10-year-old mind you were like, “I’m sooo beautiful,” and in reality they itched like hell, you could see the netting, and you left a trail of polyester strands at every house you hit up? Yeah, like that.

I just want to run my fingers through those silken tresses.

I just want to run my fingers through those silken tresses.

In the interest of gender neutrality (why all these b*tches be crazy?), we cover Justin Bieber in Part 4.

My Favorite Love Triangle Coming to TV? Please, please, please!

6 Jun

leann

Last week, it was reported that LeAnn Rimes & Eddie Cibrian were thinking about doing a reality tv show. I presume the news was met with a resounding “meh” worldwide. However, THIS gossip geek was totally amped because the LeAnn-Eddie-Brandi is my FAVORITE love triangle of all time and definitely one of my top 10 gossip stories to follow. You’re thinking poor gossip taste on my part, right? Maybe you just aren’t looking at it the right way: this story represents everything I loved about high school gossip – and the people are prettier! And rich (kinda?)! With access to (and prone to overuse of) social media! What could be better?

First, the origins: the fact that LeAnn and Eddie got caught on CAMERA hitting the hourly hotel (or restaurant, same thing) is a gossip diamond in the rough. Basically every other somewhat intelligent celebrity keeps their dirty dealings on lockdown and we’ll never know. A voyeur’s dream.

Second, LeAnn STILL HASN’T LEARNED to keep her shit together, and we usually don’t have the benefit of seeing a celebrity’s low self esteem in such stark relief. She reminds me of the girl who was kinda busted through sophomore year, and suddenly developed over the summer and got her braces off or whatever and pulled the hottest senior guy. Now all the popular girls hate her but she CAN’T STOP TRYING/CARING/UGLY DUCKLING’ING. LeAnn – you’d be so much cooler without all of the TRY. You’re super hot now and you won the “prize,” so just chill. Please.

Awkward phase.

Awkward phase.

On a related note, she doesn’t realize that the hottest guy in school is actually kind of a dumb loser with no prospects who is definitely, definitely going to cheat on her with the next summer-camp makeover recipient. Highschool girl fight over garbage! Love it.

He's probably staring at a nineteen year old in a bikini.

He’s probably staring at a nineteen year old in a bikini.

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Anatomy of a Celebrity Spiral, Part 2: Lindsay Lohan

3 Jun

She is only 26. 26!

In Part 1, we identified the most prevalent themes in our most notorious and sad spiral: Britney Spears. Today, I’d like to address what is, to me, a much less sad spiral and therefore infinitely more entertaining. We can cackle to our hearts’ content and only slightly raise our already considerable odds of going to hell. Let’s compare and contrast the worthless Lindsay with Britney.

1. Keeping questionable company: Just like dear Britney, our LL has made some piss poor choices in friends. Anyone who purposefully blows up your ugly-passed-out-face-spot is not worthy of a relationship, Linds! A real friend would be yanking that hoodie down. Maybe even drawing cartoon wide-open eyes on the fabric to try to throw the ‘razzi off the scent.

lindsaylohanteddyspassedout01

Also, Lindsay’s latest friends in “high” places make me skeptical. I mean, people don’t just let you use their private jet for nothing in return, right? If it can happen to lovely Tori, it can happen to you, Linds.

2. Trouble in, on, around cars: This is really where Linds shined, and part of the reason I have little sympathy for her. Her car troubles really highlight what an entitled, racist, spoiled brat she is. Including, but not limited to, TAKING PEOPLE HOSTAGE and blaming it on the “black kid,” hitting a STROLLER. WITH. A. BABY. IN. IT (is this real life?!), and committing an eensy weensy felony by (allegedly) driving drunk and lying to the police about it. I could go on, but I have things to do (watch videos of cute baby animals) and frankly, her flagrant disregard for the natural consequences of her irresponsible actions infuriates me.

3. Court visits: Again, I’m not trying to write a novel here, but if I had a dollar for every time she’s had a case, been late to court, failed to fulfill her probation, sued/been sued (or should’ve been sued – Million Dollar Decorators, I’m looking at you), I’d have enough dollars to upgrade from Franzia. This is another important point to stress for any of you who may be feeling any pity for our wayward star. Bad enough to catch a case, but with all of the resources at her disposal, she can’t just like NOTE the hearing in her Google calendar or whatever and just SHOW UP?! Inexcusable. I could go on, but I need those puppies to lower my blood pressure.

We turn our analyst’s eye to Amanda Bynes in Part 3.

Anatomy of a Celebrity Spiral, Part 1: Britney Spears

3 Jun

 

Crazy. eyes.

Crazy. eyes.

Celebrity downward spirals, while disturbing and, at times, rather entertaining to observe, appear to have certain consistent themes. Of course, we must begin with the most notorious (and sad, in my opinion) spiral of the millennium: Britney Spears. Sad because I think her spiral, while perhaps exacerbated by drug and alcohol use, was truly a sign of a mental illness. Shocking because of the sheer breakneck speed. Yet, as we’ll learn, while she was perhaps a trendsetter, she was in no way unique. Let’s identify some of the themes, shall we?

1. Keeping questionable company: Didn’t all of our parents warn us about what would happen if we lay down with dogs? In Britney’s case, she woke up panty-less and drunk with worthless Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan (more on LL in Part 2) in late 2006.

2. Aimless driving: Recall that in and around the summer of 2007, Britney took to driving aimlessly in her car for hours at a time. Escaping her handlers? Thriving on the attention of the paparazzi? Who knows, but I think a true sign of impending insanity is to choose to drive your car for hours in LA traffic when you’re rich enough to have a driver – or just send peons to fetch you Starbucks.

3. Awkward friend-making: I like my celebrities inaccessible. The biggest part of the appeal is the knowledge that they will always be better looking, have better bodies, and lead more exciting lives than the rest of us. While I’m drinking wine and watching Lifetime movies on my couch in sweatpants, I want to imagine that they are attending the most exclusive parties with other perfect people. At least when she was hittin’ the clubs with Paris she was spending time with a rich, attractive (?) person and NOT desperately approaching strangers and asking to borrow their bikini. Vom.

4. Terrible hair decisions; see also: Wigs: Ah, of course, the head-shaving incident and subsequent wig-wearing. No further comment necessary.

5. Trouble in, on, around cars: Again, why drive when you can pay someone to do it? More importantly, why drive when you can’t stop hitting bodies with your car? Or hitting cars with your body?

6. Court visits: While most of Britney’s visits to our Lady Justice were related to custody (of her own children, of herself), this is, of course, a prevalent theme in all spirals (even for us common folk).

Let’s compare and contrast with LL in Part 2.

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