Archive | August, 2013

Lamar and Khloe: True Love Dies

29 Aug
How could this love die?

How could this love die?

Question: If we can’t count on Khloe and Lamar, a professional athlete and reality star who knew each other for one month before getting married, to make it – who can in this crazy world?! Answer: basically anyone else, so wipe that shocked/sad look off of your faces!

There have been rumors for quite a while now that there’s been trouble in Lam-Lam paradise, with allegations that Lamar has been stepping out on Khloe with a bevvy of ladies, including this “entrepreneur.” (Side note: please, please tell me what entrepreneurial venture this woman is spearheading. I mean really.). My general gossip philosophy is that, at a certain point at least, where there’s smoke there’s fire. Also – see PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE AND REALITY STAR DATING FOR ONE MONTH, above. I believed it from the very beginning, obviously. This past week or so, the stories intensified, including random drug allegations! (I have to admit that part was surprising, although my sports-obsessed guy told me to discount the “evidence” that he isn’t being re-signed by the Clippers. Apparently that was going to happen anyway. I love the few occasions our interests align! We may even have slightly more of a chance to make it than Khloe and Lammy!) Anyway, looks like it’ll be a done deal soon.

The more interesting question is why it seems so many people have ignored the obvious signs that they were NEVER going to make it and are shocked and/or upset by this news. Our age-old desire to believe in love at first sight? People rooting for the “fat” sister? The baby talk? The tattoos?

Could be turned into a nice butterfly?

Could be turned into a nice butterfly?

It can’t be the tattoos, or we all would’ve been rooting for Britney and Kevin and lord knows that’s not the case. Beats the hell out of me, but mop up those tears and soldier on, people!

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Miley Cyrus. And Miley Cyrus’s Tonsils.

26 Aug

I’ve been wanting to post about Miley for a while, and I couldn’t ignore it any longer after her performance at last night’s VMAs. Woof, Miley. If the Smith family is appalled, it’s time to reevalute your choices.

Willow will whip her hair at you, gurl.

Willow will whip her hair at you, gurl.

Last night everyone on social media was yelling about how ridiculous and out of control she is. While her latest steeze gives me quite a few cringes, I’ve had a soft spot for her ever since I watched an interesting documentary about her life (by “interesting documentary,” I mean “E! True Hollywood Story”). My takeaway was that she is a fun-loving, spontaneous kind of lady who doesn’t mind making a fool of herself. I can get behind that, so I’ve been willing to forgive a lot of her twerking craziness lately, even if her arthouse-wannabe video for We Can’t Stop made me want to kill myself. And, as I’ve discussed here before, let us not forget how embarrassed we’d be if some of our youth’s phases were immortalized for the world to see and dissected by everyone (see, every style choice I made in the 90s. Thanks for nothing Blossom and Clarissa Explains It All).

Of course, our society of He-Man Woman Haters also can’t resist talking about her latest changes in the context of her relationship with Liam Hemsworth. She’s acting out because he doesn’t love her anymore! He doesn’t love her anymore because she’s acting out! They’re growing apart because she’s not the girl he fell in love with! He is aghast that his wholesome love has been replaced with a short-haired HIDEOUS BEAST-FREAK interested in urban culture. People. Let’s not be stupid. They got engaged when she was 19. If you were placing bets on this lasting, well, I don’t know what to tell you. Time to get out of the gossip biz.

So Miley, I won’t file you in my impending-spiral category yet, even with the drastic hair changes. But please, please for the love of God put your tongue back in your mouth. Liam thinks that’s even less attractive than your lesbian haircut.

Is this a deformity of some sort?

Is this a deformity of some sort?

The Canyons, Starring Lindsay Lohan’s Greasy Weave

5 Aug

LindsayLohanCanyons

This weekend, I was in a weakened state (i.e., two glasses of wine) and enjoying a night at home. I perused On Demand for a movie to watch. I’m sure there were many culturally enriching documentaries and artsy independent films, but my eye was caught by another kind of film: The Canyons, starring Lindsay Lohan and James Deen of Backdoor Teen Mom fame. I was hoping it would be so bad it’s good, in the vein of my all-time favorite movie, Showgirls. While nothing could measure up to Elizabeth Berkeley’s femme fatale, if any movie is 10% as entertaining as Showgirls, I’m in. So I paid the $7.99 (!!), filled up my sauv blanc, and dove in.

Genius.

Genius.

This movie, you guys. What a mess. James Deen just scowled like a curmudgeon the entire time. I think it was supposed to be sexy? Other things that were supposed to be sexy but weren’t: Lindsay’s topless scene; Lindsay herself; JD’s (admittedly impressive) full frontal; JD himself; several awkward (and by all accounts unenjoyable for everyone involved) group sex scenes. Other highlights include an invention–Text TV–(this is not a thing, right?!), which appears to exist solely to allow the viewers to read the texts Lindsay’s character was receiving in one scene. Really, who would want their Real Housewives of Wherever interrupted to read the text that is on the phone that you’re currently holding in your hand? Another unrealistic tech aspect is the fact that JD swapped phones with Lindsay’s character and she didn’t realize it for like 18 hours. Bret Easton Ellis clearly isn’t young anymore.

However, there was one character that I couldn’t tear my eyes away from. What stage presence. What charisma. My friends, I dare you to watch this movie and resist becoming entranced by Lindsay’s hair. Greasy on top, polyester on the bottom. Party all over. I couldn’t stop shouting about the hair and makeup heads that needed to roll, until I read that due to budget constraints each actor did their own hair and makeup. Ah, now that makes sense.

The Blank Stare

1 Aug
I'm Gonna Sit at the Welcome Table

I’m Gonna Sit at the Welcome Table

Guys … can we talk about Scientology for a quick sec? Also, a million points for anyone who has seen the Strangers with Candy Episodes, “The Blank Stare,” in which Jerri joins a cult. Of COURSE I’m not alleging that Scientology is a cult, just felt like talking about that.

I’ve been wanting to shout about Scientology for a while, and it seems timely on the heels of Leah Remini’s announcement that she was leaving the cul…er, religion. Religion based on a nerd’s sci-fi novel. A religion that allows a bunch of other nerds to work on developing SUPER POWERS. I mean, I just can’t. I’ve long wondered what the appeal must be, and how a bunch of otherwise sophisticated (sophisticated in the sense that they have access to information and the best of everything, rather than sophisticated in behavior) and wealthy famous people could all be convinced to sign up with these nut jobs. I mean, these aren’t uneducated, backwater country folk forming a militia in the woods.

Thinking long and hard about it, I can only assume that Scientology must offer something that appeals to a character trait that these celebrities have in common. So, the question arises – what character trait do most celebrities have in common? A heavy dose of narcissism, big egos, and underlying insecurity, of course. So basically I’m just picturing that behind the Scientology scenes, David Miscavige is telling Tom Cruise, et al., about how with a few years of auditing and millions of dollars, their inherent abilities to read minds, levitate, and whatever other stupid superpower they want (because being rich and famous just isn’t sufficient) can be realized. Because they’re SPECIAL and DIFFERENT from the rest of us normal folks who would just get totally creeped out by this loser:

CC photo by: Scientology Media on Flickr

CC photo by: Scientology Media on Flickr

So basically, Scientologists are a bunch of insecure nerds who like to get together to talk about whether they’ll go to a locker room or a bank first once their minions finish up their invisibility cloaks. Which would be funny, except in the meantime, MISCAVIGE’S WIFE IS (allegedly) MISSING AND NO ONE IS DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT. Am I taking crazy pills?! Leah, I’m glad you’re getting out and not “shutting up”, but maybe you should, um, call the police or something? Just a thought.

Update: Well, what do you know? She filed a missing persons report. Attagirl.

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