Archive | July, 2013

Anatomy of a Celebrity Spiral, Part 4: Baby Bieber Throws Tantrums

15 Jul
CC photo by: iloveJB123 on Flickr

CC photo by: iloveJB123 on Flickr

Covering our first male spiral feels particularly timely today, in the wake of the news over the weekend that Cory Monteith died of a suspected drug overdose at age 31. Writing about deaths is unfunny and sad, even if Cory was probably, relevantly, in the midst of a maybe-not-so-secret spiral, so I’d rather write about Baby Bieber as Part 4 of our Anatomy of a Celebrity Spiral series. Like the illustrious goddesses before him (Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Amanda Bynes), lil’ Biebs has some tell-tale signs of a Grade-A celebrity spiral:

1. Trouble in, on, or around cars: Justin has already racked up a number of vehicular indiscretions, including an alleged hit and run and reckless driving. How much would you have paid to watch Keyshawn Johnson put Biebs in time out?! This is why they shouldn’t let 11 year olds drive (wait, they don’t? Somebody get that tween out from behind the wheel!!!).

2. Terrible hair decisions; see also: Wigs; see also: Headwear: Apparently the girls make terrible hair and wig decisions, but Biebs has put his macho (ha) twist on this spiral theme with terrible headwear decisions. Just stop. Breathing the poor-people air won’t hurt you, widdle guy.

JustinBieberMask JustinBieberMask2

3. Inability to keep one’s bodily fluids to oneself: This might be what separates the girls from the baby-boys. I’m going to pretend I know things about science (other then wine fermentation) and say that the male version of our species manifests its unmanageable feelings (read, tantrums) via bodily emissions. Let’s not forget his possible one-night stand consequences, spitting on his neighbor, and indirectly–but very intentionally–giving a golden shower to an entire restaurant floor. What’s that sticky feeling under your shoes, restaurant patron? Don’t complain, you should be grateful for the essence of Baby Bieber Jesus.

File Justin with his fellow worthless celeb-spiral LL and await the court visits. Someone needs a serious spanking.

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Candidly Nicole

11 Jul

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Don’t you hate it when your boyfriend is driving you 6 hours back from July 4 vacation and you catch up on all of your regular gossip sites on your iPhone and are TOTALLY BORED?? It’s practically like living in a third world country. Since I couldn’t possibly think thoughts or converse with him, I had to expand my mind and look for other online entertainment. To this end, I stumbled upon Candidly Nicole, a “show” on AOL On (AOL is still a thing? A show based on a Twitter feed? I don’t understand this world anymore). To my delight, catching up on the several 5 minute videos carried me through an hour of North Carolina.

While I was watching, I ruminated on all things Nicole. If you watch the show (or follow her on Twitter), you’ll realize that she is smart, funny, cute, and completely likeable. And this is coming from me, who thinks most celebrities are practically brain dead. I would totally be her friend! My problem, though, is squaring that with this:

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And the fact that she was best friends with worthless Paris Hilton.

And married to a guy who seems kind of boring/embarrassing?

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My mind doesn’t like to be confused, so I’ll just have to chalk it up to poor youthful (in)decisions and stop thinking about it. I suppose we all made them. If the world could’ve seen my angsty AIM away messages, skater BoI-friends, and my head full of butterfly clips, I guess that would be kinda hard for me to move on from, too.

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