Two Attractive Crazies Find Each Other: A Love Story

6 Jan
All gossip aficionados know that there are certain stories, or celebrities (or “celebrities” in my case, see Exhibit A), who just happen to twerk our little gossip nerve.  There is just something about them that sets our heart aflutter when we see their name in our Twitter feed. You can barely stand the anticipation as you wait for the link to load to get some new nugget about your favorite saga. Oh, is that just me? Anyway, moving on…
 
In completely unrelated news, I have totally normal, non-obsessive feelings about the love affair between Emma Roberts and Evan Peters. It probably started with my equally sane attraction to his character on the first season of American Horror Story (who just happened to be a ghost of a killer. You win some, you lose some). I can’t even tell if he’s objectively good looking or not, but goddamn, I was feeling that dead psycho.
 
The intrigue really became full blown when I read about their alleged physical fight. No, this is totally not okay. It’s abusive and clearly one or both of them need to get themselves some help/definitely break up. BUT it doesn’t mean it’s not interesting in a kind of appalling way. It made me think of that couple who we’ve probably all met before. The female (sorry ladies, but it’s usually true) is totally insane but completely irresistible.  They have a totally dysfunctional relationship, but they truly believe that they are having a passionate love affair that eclipses all others. The fire that burns so hot it can only engulf us both, etc., etc. Think Elizabeth Taylor and Tim Burton. Elizabeth would’ve totally shed dramatic tears in front of the paparazzi and required coddling. Now picture them younger and having pretend but “OMG that is what it probably looks like in real life and I am interested” sex on your TV. (I just spent 10 minutes of my life that I can’t get back looking for a screenshot of their recent American Horror Story: Coven sex scene. But just trust me).
 
Now think on that for a while and tell me you’re not interested in the news that they just recently got engaged.  Ages 22 and 26, like to hit on each other, and then have hot make up sex. DEFINITELY going to end well. Congratulations!  

Tags: , , , , ,

Behavior Unbecoming of Louis Stevens

17 Dec

Even Stevens

Everybody has been going crazy over Shia LaBeouf for like, forever, lately.  I’ve never been too impressed, maybe because I can’t see him as anyone but the kid from Even Stevens because I had to watch a zillion episodes of that show while babysitting. Maybe also because I’m a grandma and stuck in my ways. Maybe also because I interned in D.C. on the Hill for a summer during college, and his Disney sister, Ren Stevens–she may have had a real name, but who knows–was also an intern and I went to her ridiculous rooftop party (tangent: Cory Matthews of Boy Meets World fame was also interning on the Hill that summer, so it was basically this weird vortex of washed up Disney stars and moi). So basically what I’m saying is, she was practically my sister and thus he is my brother and I can tell him that he is acting like a little dipshit.

Nothing in the creative world is more reprehensible than plagiarizing. And it seems that lil’ bro Louis has now plagiarized not once, not twice, but three times. And those are just the times he’s been caught. Earlier this year, he and Alec Baldwin got into a really ridiculous little drama diva fight over who-even-cares-what.  Shia “leaked” the messages (douche turn number 1), and then plagiarized his apology for leaking the messages. Since he could easily have asked his publicist to write the apology, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Barely.

But then. We recently heard that he allegedly plagiarized an entire short film. Even though the reports seem to state that it was basically an exact copy (really, how narcissistic and/or dumb and/or both do you have to be to think you won’t get caught–as a famous person, no less–for this??), in true coward form Shia attempted to downplay it as a failure to credit the original artist. First, the golden rule is just ADMIT AND APOLOGIZE. I could be everyone’s publicist on that advice alone. Not only did my stupid little brother who I have officially disowned not take this advice, but he PLAGIARIZED HIS APOLOGY AGAIN. I just. can’t. The stupidity is mind-blowing. Please go away now, Shia. You’re pitiful.

Tags: , , , ,

That’s Gold, Jerry! Gold!

15 Nov

20131115-222211.jpg

CC photo by pvera on Flickr

You know how everyone always says (said? Am I really getting that old?) that every situation in life can be compared to a Seinfeld episode? Well, gossip is no exception. The other day, Alec “thoughtless little pig” Baldwin lost his shit and called a photog a homophobic slur. Guess he needs some more relaxation tips from his yogi wife ’cause damn… he hype.

Well, thank goodness he’s basically a PR GENIUS because today he came up with a foolproof plan to get back in our good graces. You may be asking yourself, Alec, please enlighten me–what’s the best way to prove you’re not a bigot? Well, as both Alec and George Costanza know, all you have to do is trot out a member of the group you may have offended and pay they love and respect you so much they will not take no for an answer and must clear your good name. For Alec, it was his gay hairdresser. For George, Karl the exterminator.

Nice one, Alec. Next time try the Parent Trap route and try to convince us it was Billy.

Tags: , , , , ,

Thanks for Nothing, Dourtney

2 Nov

20131102-155626.jpgCourtneyStodden on Twitter

Guys. What’s the opposite of a Christmas miracle?! A HALLOWEEN TRAGEDY. Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison have split. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the greatest love story of our time, Courtney, a young ingenue who is as pure as the driven snow, married Doug, a worldly and suave lesbian, when she was 16 and he was 50, and swept us all away in their love affair.

I also watched every episode of their season of Couples Therapy with bated breath (ALSO remember when Alex McCord bit it storming away from the pool?). The guy from The Dirty and the girl from that British guy’s season of the Bachelor were so jealous of their love, but I think I can say the rest of us were inspired.

The most tragic part, however, is that I’ve been ruminating on a Courtney-Doug Halloween couples ‘stume for years and now I’ll never EVEN GET TO DO IT! I even had a plan to recreate her eggplant tinted boob balls.

I guess a fire that burns that hot must engulf itself eventually. Vigil at 9 tonight.

Tags: , , , , , ,

Breaking News: Katharine McPhee is not smart!

26 Oct

20131026-231504.jpgCC photo by b r e n t on Flickr

This week, one of my all time FAVE gossip situations happened – dumb tricks getting caught on film!! I doubt the Katharine McPhee story will engender in me the gossip passion that the LeAnn/Eddie pics ignited (mostly because I don’t know anything about her, or him, or the spouses, and she’s not likely to reward us with public Twitter hissy fits), but it thrills me nonetheless.

As I’m sure you’ve heard, Katharine was caught on camera smooching her Smash director. It seems she may be separated from her husband but the smoochee is probably definitely a dirty cheater, since he immediately got kicked right to the curb by his wife. The most interesting part of the story to me is what the inside source said of Katharine’s reaction – she’s “embarrassed” she “GOT CAUGHT.” Ugh, inside source, you really whiffed it for your girl. The moms of America want to hear that you’re home flagellating yourself and throwing your chastity belt key into the ocean, not the truth.

I think probably most of us don’t care too much about this particular saga, but I care a lot whenever a celebrity is dumb enough to get caught on film doing something shady. It’s like catching Bigfoot! Even the biggest train wrecks usually have their ish tight enough to avoid clear photographic evidence. It’s only the biggest messes who get caught, which means that is a mess we want to keep watching. Bring it on, Katharine and whathisname and whathisname’s wife – I’m watching!

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Glorious Kimye!

22 Oct
Kimkardashian on Instagram

Kimkardashian on Instagram

So, everyone everywhere has heard that our glorious prophet Yeezus and his very own Mary Magdalene have made it official. Yeah, that’s right, we’re getting biblical and it’s actually amazing how right that is, now that I think about it. Kanye has already clarified that he is our messiah, so I think we can all quickly agree on that. But I did some research (i.e., read exactly one Wikipedia article) and there are some stunning comparisons between Kim and Jesus’s groupie, Mary. Jesus cast out seven demons from MM and Kanye has done the same for Kim! To name just a few:

1. De-prostituted!: some scholars think MM may have been the Julia Roberts to Jesus’s Richard Gere. But now, KK will never have to be golden showered on video again because we all know Kanye isn’t interested in that mess (by “that mess,” I mean ladies).

2. Barbie Makeover!: Kanye sashayed right into Kim’s closet and fashion mavened the shit out of it. If you don’t like it you just don’t get it, peasant!

3. Literal exorcism!: some reports say that Kanye hasn’t been feeling Kris and will soon cull Kim from the Kardashian herd. If true, I have no doubt that he will ultimately rid Kim of Zuul for good.

Good for you, Kim Magdalene! You win your second baseball-sized engagement ring and a psychotic despot!

Unrelated post-script: His desperate addition of “E”s in his marry meeeeeee sign will keep me in cringes for the rest of the evening.

Tags: , , , , ,

Lamar and Khloe: True Love Dies

29 Aug
How could this love die?

How could this love die?

Question: If we can’t count on Khloe and Lamar, a professional athlete and reality star who knew each other for one month before getting married, to make it – who can in this crazy world?! Answer: basically anyone else, so wipe that shocked/sad look off of your faces!

There have been rumors for quite a while now that there’s been trouble in Lam-Lam paradise, with allegations that Lamar has been stepping out on Khloe with a bevvy of ladies, including this “entrepreneur.” (Side note: please, please tell me what entrepreneurial venture this woman is spearheading. I mean really.). My general gossip philosophy is that, at a certain point at least, where there’s smoke there’s fire. Also – see PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE AND REALITY STAR DATING FOR ONE MONTH, above. I believed it from the very beginning, obviously. This past week or so, the stories intensified, including random drug allegations! (I have to admit that part was surprising, although my sports-obsessed guy told me to discount the “evidence” that he isn’t being re-signed by the Clippers. Apparently that was going to happen anyway. I love the few occasions our interests align! We may even have slightly more of a chance to make it than Khloe and Lammy!) Anyway, looks like it’ll be a done deal soon.

The more interesting question is why it seems so many people have ignored the obvious signs that they were NEVER going to make it and are shocked and/or upset by this news. Our age-old desire to believe in love at first sight? People rooting for the “fat” sister? The baby talk? The tattoos?

Could be turned into a nice butterfly?

Could be turned into a nice butterfly?

It can’t be the tattoos, or we all would’ve been rooting for Britney and Kevin and lord knows that’s not the case. Beats the hell out of me, but mop up those tears and soldier on, people!

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Miley Cyrus. And Miley Cyrus’s Tonsils.

26 Aug

I’ve been wanting to post about Miley for a while, and I couldn’t ignore it any longer after her performance at last night’s VMAs. Woof, Miley. If the Smith family is appalled, it’s time to reevalute your choices.

Willow will whip her hair at you, gurl.

Willow will whip her hair at you, gurl.

Last night everyone on social media was yelling about how ridiculous and out of control she is. While her latest steeze gives me quite a few cringes, I’ve had a soft spot for her ever since I watched an interesting documentary about her life (by “interesting documentary,” I mean “E! True Hollywood Story”). My takeaway was that she is a fun-loving, spontaneous kind of lady who doesn’t mind making a fool of herself. I can get behind that, so I’ve been willing to forgive a lot of her twerking craziness lately, even if her arthouse-wannabe video for We Can’t Stop made me want to kill myself. And, as I’ve discussed here before, let us not forget how embarrassed we’d be if some of our youth’s phases were immortalized for the world to see and dissected by everyone (see, every style choice I made in the 90s. Thanks for nothing Blossom and Clarissa Explains It All).

Of course, our society of He-Man Woman Haters also can’t resist talking about her latest changes in the context of her relationship with Liam Hemsworth. She’s acting out because he doesn’t love her anymore! He doesn’t love her anymore because she’s acting out! They’re growing apart because she’s not the girl he fell in love with! He is aghast that his wholesome love has been replaced with a short-haired HIDEOUS BEAST-FREAK interested in urban culture. People. Let’s not be stupid. They got engaged when she was 19. If you were placing bets on this lasting, well, I don’t know what to tell you. Time to get out of the gossip biz.

So Miley, I won’t file you in my impending-spiral category yet, even with the drastic hair changes. But please, please for the love of God put your tongue back in your mouth. Liam thinks that’s even less attractive than your lesbian haircut.

Is this a deformity of some sort?

Is this a deformity of some sort?

Tags: , , , , , ,

The Canyons, Starring Lindsay Lohan’s Greasy Weave

5 Aug

LindsayLohanCanyons

This weekend, I was in a weakened state (i.e., two glasses of wine) and enjoying a night at home. I perused On Demand for a movie to watch. I’m sure there were many culturally enriching documentaries and artsy independent films, but my eye was caught by another kind of film: The Canyons, starring Lindsay Lohan and James Deen of Backdoor Teen Mom fame. I was hoping it would be so bad it’s good, in the vein of my all-time favorite movie, Showgirls. While nothing could measure up to Elizabeth Berkeley’s femme fatale, if any movie is 10% as entertaining as Showgirls, I’m in. So I paid the $7.99 (!!), filled up my sauv blanc, and dove in.

Genius.

Genius.

This movie, you guys. What a mess. James Deen just scowled like a curmudgeon the entire time. I think it was supposed to be sexy? Other things that were supposed to be sexy but weren’t: Lindsay’s topless scene; Lindsay herself; JD’s (admittedly impressive) full frontal; JD himself; several awkward (and by all accounts unenjoyable for everyone involved) group sex scenes. Other highlights include an invention–Text TV–(this is not a thing, right?!), which appears to exist solely to allow the viewers to read the texts Lindsay’s character was receiving in one scene. Really, who would want their Real Housewives of Wherever interrupted to read the text that is on the phone that you’re currently holding in your hand? Another unrealistic tech aspect is the fact that JD swapped phones with Lindsay’s character and she didn’t realize it for like 18 hours. Bret Easton Ellis clearly isn’t young anymore.

However, there was one character that I couldn’t tear my eyes away from. What stage presence. What charisma. My friends, I dare you to watch this movie and resist becoming entranced by Lindsay’s hair. Greasy on top, polyester on the bottom. Party all over. I couldn’t stop shouting about the hair and makeup heads that needed to roll, until I read that due to budget constraints each actor did their own hair and makeup. Ah, now that makes sense.

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

The Blank Stare

1 Aug
I'm Gonna Sit at the Welcome Table

I’m Gonna Sit at the Welcome Table

Guys … can we talk about Scientology for a quick sec? Also, a million points for anyone who has seen the Strangers with Candy Episodes, “The Blank Stare,” in which Jerri joins a cult. Of COURSE I’m not alleging that Scientology is a cult, just felt like talking about that.

I’ve been wanting to shout about Scientology for a while, and it seems timely on the heels of Leah Remini’s announcement that she was leaving the cul…er, religion. Religion based on a nerd’s sci-fi novel. A religion that allows a bunch of other nerds to work on developing SUPER POWERS. I mean, I just can’t. I’ve long wondered what the appeal must be, and how a bunch of otherwise sophisticated (sophisticated in the sense that they have access to information and the best of everything, rather than sophisticated in behavior) and wealthy famous people could all be convinced to sign up with these nut jobs. I mean, these aren’t uneducated, backwater country folk forming a militia in the woods.

Thinking long and hard about it, I can only assume that Scientology must offer something that appeals to a character trait that these celebrities have in common. So, the question arises – what character trait do most celebrities have in common? A heavy dose of narcissism, big egos, and underlying insecurity, of course. So basically I’m just picturing that behind the Scientology scenes, David Miscavige is telling Tom Cruise, et al., about how with a few years of auditing and millions of dollars, their inherent abilities to read minds, levitate, and whatever other stupid superpower they want (because being rich and famous just isn’t sufficient) can be realized. Because they’re SPECIAL and DIFFERENT from the rest of us normal folks who would just get totally creeped out by this loser:

CC photo by: Scientology Media on Flickr

CC photo by: Scientology Media on Flickr

So basically, Scientologists are a bunch of insecure nerds who like to get together to talk about whether they’ll go to a locker room or a bank first once their minions finish up their invisibility cloaks. Which would be funny, except in the meantime, MISCAVIGE’S WIFE IS (allegedly) MISSING AND NO ONE IS DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT. Am I taking crazy pills?! Leah, I’m glad you’re getting out and not “shutting up”, but maybe you should, um, call the police or something? Just a thought.

Update: Well, what do you know? She filed a missing persons report. Attagirl.

Tags: , , , , , , ,

← Older Entries

%d bloggers like this: